Oh Life...

I thought I would try to add a little humour to this post.  We are sad to have to post this, but we spoke to Andrea today and it looks like she wont be able to try again with us.  She is absolutely making the right decision, and we totally agree with her because things happen in life that are just out of our control.  We are heartbroken, but will never regret having Andrea in our life or forget the sacrifice she made for our family.  We are not sure what we will do next, I dont know if I have it in me to try and find another surrogate, so we are going to regroup for awhile and look at all of our options going forward.  I have been struggling today with the why's and the loss of the baby more than ever.  Its hard to make sense of all that has happened in the last year, its been a really tough year for us, but now we just need to figure out whats next.  I am struggling to know what to even say right now, so I will leave it at that.  I hope this isnt the end of our journey for another little Burnham, but it is out of our control right now.  Thank you all again for being so supportive, its been so needed.

It's so hard

It has been an absolutely crazy couple of months!  We have been back in Canada for almost 3 months, the kids have started their new school, Dave has started his new job, and we are moving into our new home next week. I am sure my in-laws are going to be very happy to have their space back, but they have been so awesome about having the four of us and the dog living in their place. 

Andrea is still pregnant!!  She hit the 11 week mark on Sunday and is officially off of the progesterone she was taking. She is pretty happy about that!  She has been so so sick with this baby and it makes me feel terrible.  With her girls, she never experienced morning sickness or really many negative effects of pregnancy but this baby is not letting her get any food down or letting her sleep. Either this baby is a boy, or my embryos make people feel yucky!  I was very sick with our Son, but not really sick with our daughter. So I guess we will have to wait and see what the gender is to help with my theories. Haha. I am currently writing this on a plane heading to BC. I am meeting up with Andrea for our almost 12 week ultrasound. I cannot wait!!!  I am so excited to see her and to see this little bean. I can't wait to get a picture and to make sure the baby looks happy and growing normally. I should also be getting an official due date. The due date calculator online has an ivf section with age of embryo, so April 10 should be fairly accurate. I decided to bring with me some preggie pops for Andrea to see if that will help with her all day sickness, a whole case just to be safe. 

It's with the deepest of sadness to tell you all that the ultrasound wasn't good news. It looks like we lost the baby last week. The measurements came back at 10 weeks. The moment I walked into that ultrasound and the tech put the baby on the screen, my heart sank. I knew the baby was gone. She kept saying, well maybe I just can't see the heartbeat. But, I knew. My baby wasn't moving. Just laying there asleep. I knew and my heart ached. For me and for Andrea. Oh how I wish I could take that moment of pain away from her. We all feel defeated and devastated. I am sure that I will feel better with time, but my heart is heavy. I am so glad I was there. I am so glad I decided to fly out to see for myself and to be there to hug Andrea. We needed each other, we needed those few hours after to be together and cry together. It's amazing how much you can love a 1 1/2 inch little being, how much that hurts to see them lying there. Saying in your mind, "just move buddy, just flicker that little heart". Andrea still has to go through the suffering of a miscarriage or D&C. How can I not feel anguish for causing this?  To ask her to suffer this loss for me?  I couldn't love this girl more. She is amazing and I love her for her sacrifice. We are now going to wait and see what the docs decide to do and we are all going to grieve for a bit. Then, we will see what we all decide, as two families, what the next steps are. Thank you all for the immense love and support you have shown us through this journey. I hope it's not over, but I wanted you all to know how grateful we are for that support. I expected people to be so weirded out by this, to be hard on us, or make funny comments. But you have all been amazing. I'm so grateful to have such supportive people in my life and to have found Andrea. 

The Nerves

I have heard many times, "You get the baby and don't have to be pregnant!?" or, "You don't have to recover from the labour!?" or, "You aren't going to have to get fat!" (debatable, cause I like to eat a lot), or "You don't have to be the sick one", and many many more.  Now obviously these are jokes, and I laugh or come up with my own funny addition.  It has never bothered me because it's natural to emphasize all of the positives to having a surrogate.  I even remember thinking about celebrities that used a surrogate and thought "they are only doing that to save their body."  But as time has gone on, I can't escape the worries that come with being an intended parent, while your surrogate is pregnant.  

I will start out by saying that I couldn't trust Andrea any more than I do.  She is amazing, and takes care of our little lentil-sized baby nugget just as I would!  But there are natural worries that happen!  For instance, I said in my last post how Andrea started to bleed a little 2 weeks ago and I couldn't help the tears from starting.  As I reflected on why I became so emotional, I have come to some conclusions as to why I was so stressed out.  It had nothing to do with Andrea, but everything to do with me not being in control. 

I had my other two children on my own and I actually bled with both of them while pregnant.  My first a lot more than my second.  I almost lost my first at 12 weeks from bleeding and cramping, and as a result I had to go on bed rest for the next 3 months.  When they took me off of bed rest at 20 weeks, I went to one of my friends weddings, and the next morning I got another scare.  As I felt a little gush and the sure signs of labour, I panicked!  My panic caused me to stay motionless in bed for three hours till my husband woke up.  He rushed me to the hospital and they said that my panicked reaction of motionless anxiety was actually the best thing I did.  Somehow the leak plugged up, and they stopped the labor and put me promptly back on bedrest. Then at 32 weeks, I went into full blown labor and was hospitalized.  Every morning I would go in to labor, they would stop it and I repeated this for 2 weeks.  They then sent me home and said I was 4 cm dilated and they would see me in a few days to deliver the baby.  Well, I ended up being induced instead 7 weeks later.  It was a really scary 9 months for us.  

The reason I wanted to share this was because it relates to a persons state of mind in tricky pregnancy situations.  With my babies, it was my body.  I knew what was happening, how I felt, when to run to the hospital, when bleeding seemed too much, when I just didn't feel right. Being pregnant, you love your little pea so much, as soon as you see those two lines on a test.  But largely I was just guessing on what to do.  I was a rookie with each pregnancy, because each one is unique.  I've had to accept that with each pregnancy we only have limited  control over whether this baby will actually make it 9 months, regardless of who carries the baby. When its your body, you know what you feel, how you feel, and when it just doesn't feel right.  When its your surrogates body, you have to rely on the fact that she is doing the same thing and to allow her to trust her instincts.  

Although, lately as this has been going on, I have really learned that she loves this little pea too.  She has sacrificed many things in order to be a surrogate. She has to be on light rest for the first 12 weeks just to help her body stay pregnant.   All the long trips to doctors hours and hours away.  Not to mention all of the sacrifices she will be making for the next 9 months!!!  It's hard to fathom.  I trust this girl so much!  She knows what she is doing, she has been pregnant before, and she wants this as much as we do.  So I tell myself to calm down, relax, enjoy the moment, and be the most supportive intended parent I can be.  Sometimes I tell myself "wow, this is what my husband probably felt sometimes."  He is the parent, but there is nothing he could ever do to make the scary stuff not happen, or have any of the control over it.  So it is nice to be able to relate to him in this way, it just makes us closer.  

On to the good news!  I got a phone call from the clinic yesterday morning and we received the results from the blood work Andrea did on Thursday.  HCG 16,880!!  We still have a doubling time under two days, which is really high.  The clinic is absolutely thrilled and says this is a strong pregnancy.  I bet my husband would say in his best Obi-wan Kenobi voice "The pregnancy is strong with this one."  Now I just have to wait for Monday's ultrasound.  I am dying to see a picture of our Pea!!

That Wait Time!!

The days waiting to see if the IVF transfer worked were agony!  We were told by the clinic that Andrea needed to go get her blood taken 10 days post transfer to see what her HCG (human chorionic growth hormone) levels were.  Since I worked in the Chemistry department in a medical lab, I fully understood what levels I was looking for.  So if you get a blood HCG greater than 5, its considered a positive pregnancy test.  But 25 is the number they put out there as one they want to see as a minimum.  But in IVF they are really looking at doubling time, which means they are looking to see that your numbers are doubling in value every 24-72 hours.  If your numbers continue to at least double in this time, it looks like a healthy pregnancy.  If not, it could just be a chemical pregnancy.  Chemical pregnancy--"the fertilized egg does not implant properly in the uterus, resulting in an early miscarriage."  So as you can see, I know TOO much!!  I was panicking just a little, I was stressing maybe a lot, I was worried way more than a reasonable human being should, and I just couldn't stand the waiting!  I messaged Andrea and pressured her a little ( or a lot) to think about peeing on a stick.  I didn't want her to do anything she didn't want to, because I knew she was just as stressed as me about seeing a negative test and that a negative test didn't necessarily mean we weren't pregnant, just that we'd have to wait for the blood tests with the added pressure of just seeing a poor (but possibly inaccurate) result.  That would have added a lot of anxiety to the picture.  So, the next thing I knew I got this picture sent to me...

Now I know it is soooo faint, but it was POSITIVE!!!  I was so excited, but again, I think i was more freaked out by this.  What if the next one was still really faint, or what if it was then negative?  So she sent me the next day test first thing in the morning.

She only had a digital test available, but the yes+ still was so exciting.  I "might" have told her to go out and buy some more tests so that I could compare pink lines.  haha.  So a few hours later (once she returned from the store - haha she's such a good sport!) I get this picture

 It was definitely getting darker and it gave me so much relief.  Just so you all can understand the writing on the tests, the top one means: 4 days post 5 day transfer, and the second one: 5 days post 5 day transfer.  To clarify further, it means we tested on the fourth day after the transfer of a 5 day embryo.

Now just to make you all understand the crazy that happens to me when doing pregnancy tests (yes I did this with my other two kids as well) here is the next day test with day 4 and day 5 as well.  Oh and by the way, thank you Andrea for indulging my nuttiness!!! FYI these are the first pregnancy tests she's ever taken ... so you know this is all about me!  I just can't help myself!  Haha!!  Maybe it's because I worked in a urinalysis lab?  Have I acquired a urine obsession?  TMI?

So Day 4 - 1 test, Day 5 - 2 tests, and Day 6 - 3 tests.  They are all positive!!  Don't worry, we reduced to one test a day after this.  Super embarrassed, but, it just kills me not knowing!  Oh and the BFP means--Big Fat Positive.  Seriously this has been like learning a new language.  haha

Now on to side by side comparisons up to Day 7

I was actually starting to really believe this was happening!  I was starting to just relax and let myself be excited about a baby, that yes we could still very easily miscarry, but I was allowed to be excited. On Day 8, Andrea went for her first blood test.  

It was early to get the test, but because it was a long weekend we needed to do it on day 8 or have to wait all the way till day 11!  So of course I told her to go on day 8 then we just planned to get the second test on day 11 to make sure it had doubled.  We weren't able to get the results from the first test until day 11 so of course we were going crazy all weekend.  On Day 9, Andrea let me know that she woke up to a little blood.  She told me it was the actual day of when her period would start, so I didn't let myself panic too much.  I knew that there is something called implantation bleeding, which is caused by the embryo implanting and some lining shedding from that.  I also knew there was a chance for some bleeding after the transfer, so I really tried not to worry.  But a few minutes later, I looked at Dave and burst into tears.  I think I just needed a moment to allow fear, but then I quickly let that moment pass.  

Now more than ever I was excited to know the test results so I could see our beta HCG levels.  First thing that tuesday morning, day 11, I called the clinic wondering what our levels were from day 8.  I had the number 70 on my mind but really hoping to hear it was 100.  I will first show you guys the ranges of the HCG levels and their days post transfer (DPT):

So 8 days after transfer (8 DPT) our numbers came back at 141--so it was a high number!  

    

11 days after transfer (9 DPT) our numbers came back at 414-- definitely doubled and above average.  

The clinic said they were super happy with these numbers but Andrea needed to go back again on day 14 to keep making sure this number is going up consistently.  

14 Days after transfer (14 DPT) our numbers came back at 1952--Above average again.

                                                          I think she is getting sick of tests!!

We are all beyond thrilled!!  I am really allowing myself to believe this is happening, that a baby really is on the way.  Andrea is again going for bloodwork this coming Thursday, which will make it 20 days post transfer.  She will then have an ultrasound on Monday!!  That is going to be so cool, to see a little embryo in there, and I hope it looks healthy and good and stuck in there.  I won't be able to attend this first ultrasound (it really bums me out) as I am away for a couple weeks and just can't make it.  Andrea is going to ask the clinic if they can send me a copy of the ultrasound to see this baby, and she is also going to try to get a picture of the embryo pre-transfer.  I think that would be super neat to have for a memory book for the baby to see one day.  

Andrea is definitely feeling pregnant and is super excited to stop the progesterone medication in 5 weeks.  She says that it's not a fun part of this experience at all!  I'm hoping she has the easiest pregnancy ever, and I feel bad for her all of the time!  What a beautiful gift this amazing woman is offering our little family!  I can't say enough!  

I can't wait to keep updating you all!  I will do a quick update when we have beta results on Friday and then another post about the ultrasound.  Cant wait!!  Andrea said she is really just wanting to make sure there is only one baby in there and the ultrasound will confirm that for her.  I am not even thinking twins, there is only a 2-4% chance of the embryo splitting, so no way!  Just hoping for a healthy little baby.  Thanks all of you for your kind thoughts and wishes!  I will not keep you waiting so long next time!  The summer is too crazy!!!!

    

Vancouver Did Not Disappoint!

Well, this has been the most exciting weekend I have had in maybe forever?  WE MET!!  This has been something we have been looking forward to since the start of this crazy journey.  Dave and I flew over to Vancouver Thursday evening and picked up some sushi (as a last sushi dinner for 9 months treat) for Andrea.  I don't know who enjoyed the sushi more, me or her girls!  haha  We gobbled all of the sushi up till we all had great big food baby bellies.  It was awesome!  Seriously though, the minute we met, it was instant comfort.  Like we had been friends for a lifetime already.  We woke up the next morning, had a morning swim and then headed over to the clinic for transfer.  I had a flurry of emotions and so did Dave.  He said right before we left, can you just tell Andrea that she still has an out and that we would never be mad if she wanted to back out of the whole thing.  So as I was walking to the elevator with Andrea, I told her this, and she just laughed.  No hesitation, no fear, just absolute surety that she wanted to do this with us and for us.  Incredible gift, incredible woman!  We showed up to the clinic and in the waiting room we noticed the flowers surrounding the room.  Can anyone tell me if these are good luck fertility flowers? Cause they sure should be!!  They look ... anatomical. 

I also learned that I am terrible at the selfie!  I will not bore you with all of the mishaps, but the wrong angle and my face goes horribly wrong!  Yikes!!  We were laughing so hard, and some turned out so hilarious.  We then got brought back to put on our beautiful outfits for transfer and a nurse took pity on our again attempts at a selfie in the mirror and asked if we wanted her to take a picture for us. Nurses...they save you every time!!

At this point I was a ball of energy and excitement.  I had fears of course, but Andrea is so full of confidence and positivity, it is contagious.  I don't think the nurses and docs knew what to do with us because we were cracking jokes and laughing the whole time.  They came to check poor Andrea, and her bladder just wasn't filling up with water fast enough for it properly position the uterus for the transfer.  She kept telling them she was part camel, but they didn't believe her.  2L of torturous water drinking later (think water-boarding), a progesterone shot, and a very cold speculum (you'd think they'd warm those things up or something!), she was finally ready to go.  Then you just feel worse for her, cause her bladder was the size of a baby's head and they kept pushing on her belly.  Such a trooper, especially for someone who hates drinking water.

                                                                        Product placement

Doesn't even phase her.. Still drinking

Starting to suffer a little with the water

Speculum- coldest metal ever

Look at the size of that bladder.  Black hole of Death

The embryologist came in and talked to us about the embryo.  She said that they only had to thaw one, because it survived perfectly and looked fantastic.  (We have 5 day blastocysts)  So we still have 7 frozen embryos in there, just in case.  But Andrea says this is it, and we don't have to think about it for now ... she's got this.  Love her!  

I think this is our baby.  I might have snuck into the lab to get a look at it. haha

I had a strange reaction when the doc came in to talk about the embryo and said we were ready for transfer.  I felt oddly protective of it.  I asked for a picture, but the doc said we couldn't have it until we tested positive.  They didn't want us to get attached to an embryo unless that baby was going to later come home with us.  I understood that, but really wanted it for the blog.  Guess I will save that for the positive test post!  I know that might sound overly optimistic.  I am prepared for the worst, but I am also trying to keep only positive thoughts and trust that whatever needs to happen, will happen. 

 I do have to say that this was a really special thing for me.  I felt such love and such a peace while doing this.  I know how different and weird, and even wrong, surrogacy can seem to some people, but it feels so right for us and I especially knew it while doing the transfer.  Such an incredible experience to watch the whole process happen and be a part of such a miracle of science!!  I have a video of the whole transfer happening, but it didn't come out as clear on my phone as it was in person so I decided not to upload it.  

After the transfer Andrea bee-lined it to the bathroom, carefully of course, I went back to the change room and had a little cry.  This is really happening, we may have a baby on the way, and the feelings of gratitude spilled over.  They gave some instructions on activity levels for Andrea; no lifting heavy objects,  no bouncing activities, just light activity until a positive test in 10 days.  Then she should keep her activity level still fairly light until 12 weeks pregnant.  

The next 24 hours we just had some fun.  We ate ALOT!!  We went to a movie that evening and then the next morning we went to the Vancouver Aquarium.  We had such a fun weekend and I am more sure now than ever that we made the right decision in Andrea.  It was tough saying goodbye to that family, but we are making plans to see each other again before the summer is up.  

We are now on the long wait!  10 days, Aug 2, feels soooo far away.  If I am missing some information that anyone is interested in, please don't hesitate to ask in the comments section!  Thanks for all of your support and well wishes, we so appreciate it!

Is it time yet??

So guess what ladies and gents (if there really are any gents reading this), it looks like we are actually close.  I called the fertility clinic today to pay a bill and found out that they were waiting for me to call them.  They weren't sure I was going ahead with this?!?!  Pull my hair out and scream!!!!!  For freaking sakes if I just shipped my most precious commodity, my 8 children, you would think I am going ahead with things.  OR you would think that you might want to hold my hand through this process so that I would know that you are waiting for my go ahead.  Someone please tell me what I am supposed to do, I don't read minds.  I just have to say though, I did feel like this picture a little bit.  Sending my children through the mail system--

Maybe I haven't been the best patient, my mind has been so preoccupied!  I just moved from CT to AB, since my hubby finished his residency, and that was one huge undertaking!  I am so proud of him, but I never want to move across the country and into another country again!  That was so much work, so much stress, and agonizing.  I miss those dern 'mericans already!!!  But we made the move and now I can focus on making a baby!  WAHOO!!  

Andrea and I both happened to call the clinic today, about 5 minutes apart, and found out today that we are a go!!!  (We are so in sync)  She ran to a pharmacy and picked up her estrogen patches, 

slapped one on her belly

 and then she heads to Vancouver on Thursday to do an ultrasound.  Then two weeks later she will head there again for a lining check to make sure she is ready to transfer the baby and hopefully we will be transferring that weekend.  So we are looking at around the 23rd?  Cannot believe it!!  I am already that crazy mom and checked out what the due date would be--with a day 5 embryo and transfer being on the 23rd, we will have a baby around April 9th.  What a perfect month to have a baby!  We were hoping a few months earlier, but nothing beats a beautiful baby in spring.  Our daughter was born on March 21 and my bday is April 16, so maybe I will get to share my birthday with another miracle baby!  I get so teary thinking about it.

So we need everyone to think fluffy thoughts for the next two weeks for Andrea's lining.  I know, never thought I would ask people to do this, but we will take all the luck we can get!  The docs said we have really good chances of success first round, but you just never know.  I will be on pins and needles the whole time, but I am also living in reality.  I just choose to only think of success right now and I will face whatever comes.  

Oh, did I tell you that I will finally get to meet Andrea in person for transfer?!  I can't wait to meet her!!!  Talking to her on the phone is so awesome, Facebook is great, but in person cannot be beat.  I can't thank Surrogacy in Canada Online more for introducing us to Andrea!  There are so many amazing women who belong to this organization who are making families for so many and making dreams come true.  We have been given such a gift from andrea, she is going through so much just for us, we love this girl!

We have frozen embryos!!

I finally got the phone call I've been waiting for all week!  How many of those 13 fertilized eggs became Day 5 embryos?  We got 8!!  I seriously can't believe it!  We are so happy and are hoping that this will be enough. . Now, we are just finishing up paperwork to have them shipped off to Vancouver where Andrea is going to be for the transfer.  I also have to have a psychological evaluation done which is just to make sure you understand all that you are agreeing to do and that I am sound mentally. Thankfully we will be doing that after the drugs!  Haha. Anyway, thought I would do a quick update.

I thought this was interesting on timing of the fertilized egg

This is what a day 5 blastocyst looks like

Goodbye Needles!

I apologize, this will be a long post!

I swore I was going to write more during the whole hormone process, but I had company stay with us during that time, and then I got so exhausted!  I just couldn't find the motivation to write.  So the plan was to take my Follistim every night, starting the tuesday, and see the doc for bloodwork on Friday.  Well, I got a phone call Friday afternoon saying my Estrogen shot up so high that I needed to start my Ganirelix immediately (it tells your body not to ovulate) and come back in the morning for an ultrasound and another blood test.  I came in and they saw about 11 follicles total which surprised them because my blood work kind of told them that I had a massive amount of follicles and my first ultrasound showed about 20.  They were happy though and said to go home, take my ganirelix every morning and the Follistim every night.  I got a phone call that night with a nurse saying to take a second dose of Ganirelix that night as well as the Follistim because my estrogen shot up again and my LH hormone was also dangerously high.  I can not even imagine the complexity of this whole process, let alone that I am not their only patient!  There was usually about 20 women getting their blood drawn at the same time as me.  

I did not notice any side effects from the Follistim at this point, but when I started the Ganirelix, I became quite tired and as the days went on,I also started noticing I was getting quite bloated, and  I started to cry a lot.  haha  Everything seemed a little bigger deal than it was.  So, yes, I think there was some hormone stuff going on with the second drug.  

I went back in on monday morning for another blood test and my trusty ultrasound.  You get so used to them, that it is almost like a friend coming for a visit.  I don't know if this is just me, but as my ovaries got bigger, the discomfort of the ultrasounds lessened.  Maybe because they didn't have to dig around so much with those now baseballs in there??  Yikes.  So this is when the doctor discussions began. They started to argue whether I needed to be triggered that day!  (Use a drug, sometimes HCG but in my case Lupron, to trigger ovulation)  It was only day 7 and they never trigger before day 8.  I had about 7 follicles that were over 20mm and about 5 that were above 16mm.  When a follicle is getting close to maturity, they want to see sizes around 16mm.  So this doctor wanted me to get going with the third drug.  My doctor came in and said no, but that I would definitely take the trigger drug the next evening.  Last Follistim injection this night and last Ganirelix in the morning.

Tuesday morning, woke up again bright and early to head over to the clinic for my final blood test and then the nurse said I needed to go pick up my Lupron at the pharmacy.  I had a dose of HCG to take but it looked like I was a sure candidate for *Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) and Lupron has been known to reduce this chance.

*Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome may occur after using injectable hormone medications during in vitro fertilization (IVF), a treatment for infertility. Injectable fertility medications stimulate the development of eggs in the ovaries, but it can be difficult to tell exactly how much medication you might need.

Too much of the hormone in your system can lead to ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS), where your ovaries become swollen and painful. A small number of women may develop severe OHSS, which can cause rapid weight gain, abdominal pain, vomiting and shortness of breath.

I was so excited to be taking my last injection that night!  I have gained such a respect for those that need to give themselves injections for life.  It is not just that it is a tad painful, but you just want to be normal again and not have to inject yourself with drugs anymore.  Anyway, I got pretty bloated the next day, and uncomfortable, but really looking forward to thursday morning to find out if any eggs were good in there.  

I would not normally show my belly, but come on!  Jordyn kept touching it and saying, "theres a baby in there".  Sure looked like it, it was so funny.

So I woke up the next day, ate nothing and headed to the clinic with Dave.  They prepped me, put on a nice cap on my head, and then walked me to the surgery suite.  I didn't really like laying on a half bed and being conscious of putting my legs in full stirrups, but what a treat for those nurses.  Full view!!  I woke up with a little bit of pain and they gave me something for that and then came in to tell me that there were 21 eggs retrieved.  I was so proud that my body actually cooperated and that it didn't look like we would need to do this again.  At least for now. 

Since Thursday, I have been a little sore in the ovaries, but no sign of OHSS, which I was so nervous about. My hormonal side seems to be settling down a bit, mothers day doesn't count cause I always cry on mothers day.  The clinic called me on Friday to say that there were 15 mature eggs and were able to fertilize 13 of them.  We are now crossing our fingers  that at least a few will have matured and able to be frozen for transfer to BC.  We should find out by tuesday the final results.  

The lovely Andrea had her screening done in Vancouver on the same day as my retrieval.  She got to experience:

The weenie wand

The lovely paper gown:

And the extra special saline injection---OUCH!

She also had her psychological screening done the evening before, but what a busy couple days.  Paired with driving 12 hours!  She is a trooper and I love her for it!!

The next post will likely be us meeting for the first time and transfer?? If I remember, I will also do a quick post on the final embryo count. Can not believe that it is all really happening and I will absolutely lose it once I meet Andrea in person.  Facebook and the phone is not enough, I am dying to give her a hug.  

Day 1--Follistim.

Well, today was the day!  I went in this morning at 7:00 to have my baseline done. I walked in to the clinic and it was full of women waiting for their blood to be taken. So I opted to get the ultrasound done first. So here is our little friend again. --even ribbed for my pleasure. Sorry mom. Haha. 

I got a good look at my ovaries, and they looked like chocolate chip cookies, which I guess is what they are looking for. I had 10 follicles on each ovary which pleased the doctor, so I did my job. They said they like to see 3-10 on each side, so she said I was high normal. Very exciting news. Plus, it looked like I was not ovulating any time soon, so good timing.

Next, I saw the nurse who explained my drugs and what to take and in what doses, and also when to come back for more blood work and ultrasounds. They gave me a nice spreadsheet so that I wouldn't forget, plus I even got her cell phone number in case of any questions. They have been so nice!!  I am sure they deal with a lot of crazy emotional women in there, so a cell phone number seems a little dangerous to me. But I took the number and ran. Haha.

I got in line for my blood work and was told if that came back that my hormones were out of whack, then they would call me to cancel the drugs. So, no news meant good news. I kept my phone near me all day thinking, there is no way I am actually starting this today. I was wrong!!  Today is definitely the day. So exciting and scary at the same time.

Here is my instructional video of my first injection. This injection is easy!!  The intramuscular ones, I can't imagine. It just burns a little afterwards. I will keep you guys updated most days I think, just so you can see if I go crazy or not. I will also show pics of the bloating. That would interest me anyway. I'm so excited!  And so happy!  Have I said how much I love my surrogate?  Cause I do!!!  This is really happening Andrea!  You are amazing!!

Quick update

First thing in the morning is my baseline test.  I seriously can't wait!!  I know it is weird, but I am really looking forward to this whole needle process.  It fascinates me, but pretty sure that is only from the deranged mind of a former phlebotomist.  I am really looking forward to seeing ultrasounds of eggs, embryos, and hopefully it means soon, a little baby ultrasound.   Awesome!

Here is a picture of the drugs and needles:

So the only possible hold up could be if my blood work comes back saying that I am about to ovulate or just ovulated or if the ultrasound shows a large follicle that looks too mature.  If that is the case, than I will have to wait 2 more weeks before I start the meds.  This is the one (and only) time I wished I had a period to help out.  Never said that before!  I know my brothers are all gagging right now.  hahaha  I am so impressed they read all this, what good brothers I have!  

I will come back on here tomorrow night to either say we are waiting two weeks, or a video of the first injection.  I am so beyond thrilled this is starting.  It is beginning to feel real now.

Happiest of Days!

It has been such a long wait!!  Last week I was telling friends how incredibly frustrated I have been and emotionally spent with the whole process already.  It hadn't even begun!!!  There has been so much confusion and wondering and phone calls, but finally today we are on to some exciting stuff.  I had an actual appointment with the fertility clinic again today and we are moving ahead.  

We started with a meeting with the doctor to figure out what we all had to do to start this process.  Not having a period makes life a little complicated for IVF and we discussed several options.  Usually in my case they would put me on birth control for a few weeks to help predict a cycle for me and when we could start the hormones for retrieval.  This is pretty typical, because they want to start you on around day 3 of your period and birth control would help them predict this.  I am sure I have mentioned before how much I hate birth control, but let me just reiterate this, I HATE BIRTH CONTROL.   It makes me a crazy person and it never has gone super well for me emotionally.  I am trying to keep myself and my husband as sane as possible during this all.  haha  

Well, as we talked about this, he remembered that I have PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian syndrome).  It causes your body to not ovulate regularly, but the nice thing for IVF is that PCOS causes you to produce more follicles than a normal woman would in a single cycle.  So they say that PCOS patients have some pretty good chances of success with IVF.  This is good news for me because this means I wont have to use BC.  It all sounds a little confusing, Im sorry if I am terrible at explaining it all to you.  The explanation is that it really doesnt matter when you start the drugs on a person with PCOS because they tend to not ovulate anyway, so their cycle is a little irrelevant, and when you start the drugs they respond well and really produce follicles.  So wahoo!!  

The next step was getting my physical done.  Gotta love those.  So, I cannot believe I am allowing this picture to go out into the real world, be forgiving!  hahaha  Here we are getting ready for the physical and my husband as usual playing with things he shouldn't.  

 Gotta love stirrups and the ultrasound wand.  A woman's two favourite things.

After the physical, we headed out for the consent forms for ICSI--which we have decided is best for us to do---I will do a blog post later about that.  Maybe on the day of ICSI.  We then talked to the nurse about the drugs I will be taking.  We will probably be starting my baseline next week!!  (The baseline is an ultrasound and blood work to just make sure that your cycle is at the proper place to begin the drugs and your hormones are not too out of whack)  I cannot even believe it.  So, as soon as these drugs arrive, I will post pictures of my injections, what drugs I am taking, and what all these things mean.  

Its just so exciting.  I could have little embryos in the matter of a couple weeks and we couldn't be happier!  Big shout out to our surrogate!  She has been such a dream and waits so patiently for all of this to happen.  Her needles are much bigger than mine, so I will try not to complain!!  I will also make sure she takes some pictures of her needle journey for the blog as well.  It is a very good day!

You're Putting That Where??

I finally had my first appointment with my fertility doc out here.  It was super informative, and I am very glad I had no idea about the things I should have been stressed about before going!!  I will just explain step by step the process at the doctors office that day, the 3 hour process.  Most of you reading this blog will probably not be too interested, but I thought that it might be interesting for anyone going through the IVF procedure and or surrogacy.  

I got there and filled out a bunch of forms, you know, why not?  We only have filled out hundreds of pages already, so definitely be prepared for LOTS of paperwork.  The nice thing for me is that I really enjoy filling out forms, I don't know why, but I seriously should find a job where I just fill out forms all day.  Its a nice way to shut off your brain and just do some mindless work for awhile.  Next, I met with the nurse in charge of surrogacy, she had gone over my health history and asked a ton of questions.  Then, I was weighed, which for heavens sakes, I am pretty sure I am not pregnant, but my body is really giving off hints that I could be.  I cant even call it sympathy weight, cause my surrogate isn't pregnant yet, not even close.  *Very long sigh*  Maybe the Ghirardelli sitting next to me is not the best encouragement.  Back to it.  

So then the doctor came in and sat down with me and started drawing.  I just love it when doctors draw when they explain!!  haha  It makes me chuckle.  Probably because Dave draws teeth all of the time to explain things and I find it quite entertaining because I still don't really get it, but I nod anyway.  This drawing wasn't too bad, but it scared me for a brief moment.  He started drawing an alien with very weird eyes and antennas and told me that this was a uterus.  So the scary part is that when you have a hysterectomy they sever the ligaments that attach your ovaries to your uterus and so they are no longer attached to anything in your lower region (technical terms only).  So he said sometimes the ovaries end up too high in your body and there is no way to get at your eggs and he needed to do an ultrasound to see where they were.  I looked at Dave and told him that if they weren't there then it would be really obvious that this wasn't to be. Here is the photo. 

 So next was the ultrasound of doom, that fun internal one.  Oh ladies, if you haven't experienced one of these, it is a treat.  Just absolutely lovely. 

We started looking at the screen and what do I see?  My left ovary full of these dark round spots.  YAY  Then, more fun digging and rummaging around, and we find the right one, also looking quite healthy.  He chose to really educate me about my ovaries while holding the ultrasound on that puppy.  I wanted to say, ummmm, good enough.  We can talk about this later.  But you don't want to be rude, so I just dug my nails into the bed and tried to look super interested in what he was saying.  Oh what we go through, but I still say absolutely worth it!!  I was pretty relieved to hear that there would be no problem doing a retrieval and I had a good amount of follicles that the doc said, would make it pretty successful.  

After the ultrasound is the sit down with the doc about what our options and timing were.  He said we are looking at April as the month for retrieval because he needs me to be on birth control for a month prior to put my body in a predictable cycle.  No uterus, means no period to give them an idea when my cycle starts.  I am not really looking forward to birth control!!  We have been long time enemies, so if all of a sudden my posts become erratic and crazy, you can just rest assured, I am on the pill and it should be over shortly.  

Then, when we left the office both Dave and I needed blood work to make sure we didn't have any diseases.  Mine also tested whether I was a carrier for any genetic disorders and that came back all clear!!  So now is kind of a month of waiting.  Dave and I both have to have a full physical and fill out, you guessed it, more paperwork.  Don't worry, this is only 60 pages each.  I just turn on some Netflix and fill out forms until my arm falls off. Then at the end of the month I will get some more blood work to see where they think I am in my cycle and start the birth control.  Then 21 days later I will start the hormones for retrieval and about 21 days after that---retrieval day.  I will try to always keep everyone updated with where we are at and you will hear from me a lot during the hormone stuff.  I think it will be helpful for people to know what that is like--hopefully.  We are so excited to be moving forward!  Please, if you ever have any questions don't hesitate to ask!

                                           

I Love Roller coasters

I am happy to say that it looks like we have found a solution!!  Carlton just says it all.

Since Andrea's husband is really not wanting to travel out to the states for testing, we needed to find a way to do this that worked for everyone involved. He said he was willing to do the testing now, but only if he could do it from home and not have to travel.  Our clinic out here had called us back and said there was no way we could work with them if Andrea's hubby didn't want to come out to the states. I had heard that shipping embryos was not ideal and so I was trying to decide what to do.  I was not willing to give up on Andrea, I think we are too well matched and it just feels too right!!   Do we call around to a bunch of different clinics here to see if any of them will work with us and be okay without her husband?  Well I did a lot of reading and it looked like that would not be possible.  Do we wait to do everything until we move back to Canada?  That would mean putting off all aspects of the IVF till the summer.  That didn't feel awesome to me because I am so anxious to get started and so is Andrea,  but it seemed like that might have to be the solution.  I ended up talking to a clinic in BC to ask about their surrogacy program there and we ended up talking about shipping embryos.  The nurse said that they receive shipped embryos all of the time and are very comfortable with it.  I then talked to our clinic out here in CT and they said the same thing!  I was told that the risks have lowered significantly and that the shipping protocols have gotten so much better.  SO, we have a new plan!  I am going to go forward with our clinic out here and start the retrieval process.  We should have embryos by March at the latest and we will then be able to ship our embryos out to BC where Andrea lives!  Yes, there is a slightly higher risk to our embryos, but this feels like the right decision for everyone!  Andrea and I cried when we got this all figured out, we were both so relieved with the decision!!  We now need to just hope and pray that I will have lots of eggs at retrieval and we will have quite a few healthy embryos for shipping!!  It is always risky, the odds are not the best, but we are going to hope and pray for success. I know some people are going to wonder, why not wait till you get back and lower the risks??  Well, one of the reasons is money, the other is urgency.  We have medical coverage for IVF out here, and will not back home in Canada.  Canada does not have any coverage for fertility treatments (which I will hold my opinions on that) and why not use the insurance we pay for out here?  It will probably save us $10,000!!  The other reason, urgency.   If you know me well you would know how quick I make decisions and stick to them.  I do not like plans changing, but in this situation, plans have to change all of the time.  I am trying to stick to as many of my original plans as possible to protect the crazy that comes out when I feel out of control. haha  Sometimes in surrogacy you just want to feel like something is moving forward, that you aren't always working on logistics, but that you are actually progressing!  If we waited till Canada I would feel like I just was not moving anywhere  and would never stop worrying about it.  Like, do I have any eggs?  Will we be able to get any embryos?  It is just so much longer to wait!  And, if we aren't able to produce an embryo, it also puts off Andrea working with a family that can move forward with their family.  I was told by the owner of the surrogacy agency that we work with, that there is always a major bump in this process and she hoped this was our bump.  Me too!!  I am expecting more bumps, I just hope they are minor!!

Im Frustrated post #1

 
Can anyone say hiccups?!  Cause I sure can!!  I cant tell you how annoyed I am by doctors, clinics, phone calls, emails, blah blah blah.  Im sorry, this is going to be one of those blog posts!  I need to complain and vent so it is out of my system.  You think things are going super smoothly, and then oh wait, there is another hiccup.  You find an awesome agency, the most wonderful surrogate, the best lawyer ever, but then your ivf clinic wants to make you INSANE!!!  Being out of Canada and trying to do this is so frustrating.  It took a lot of calls to them to convince them that it is okay that we are using a Canadian surrogate and we are following the Canadian laws because our baby will be born in Canada.  They of course need their lawyers to look at our contract and make sure they approve of it before they will sign off on this whole process.  Then they just told me that they want both my surrogate and her husband to come out to be psychologically evaluated.  Well, hiccup, our surrogate's husband is overseas with work and can not come back for this or he will lose his job.  Plus, he is totally willing to back up his wife in being a surrogate but does not want to be medically involved at all.  Who can blame him???  We are already asking a lot of him and he deserves his right to not be interrogated for allowing his wife to do this.  So now I am patiently waiting for the psychologist to get back to me to see if she will allow us to proceed.  I just don't get why it is the clinics business?!  Is it for liability?  Probably, but we have a legal contract in place, and our surrogate is willing to do all the tests.  Arrrgh.  So whats the problem here??  Sometimes you just want to say, just put the embryo where I tell you to.  hahaha  I would never, but you just feel like you are losing your mind sometimes!!  I am still so new to this whole thing, that I get really confused a lot about why things need to be done in these certain ways and why every clinic has a different policy. 


Now, if you knew me, you would know that I HATE the phone!!!  I hate making calls!!!  I have tried on many occasions to get my mother, or other family members, or even friends to pretend they are me and make calls for me.  haha  I really don't like confrontation and usually calls to businesses and doctors sometimes can be confrontational, so I try to avoid it.  Well, in this situation all I do is phone offices and clinics and businesses and it is so brutal.  I have been now calling different clinics, but in Canada to see what their policies are on screening a surrogate.  Do they want to meet with the husband too??  Also I need to know if our embryos could survive transportation since no matter what, we are doing the egg retrieval out here, so our embryos will be out here.  I don't want to go through all of this just to lose our embryos in transit!!  But, being in Canada for this would definitely make it a lot easier since we wouldnt be dealing with international questions.  Surrogacy is just different in the states than it is in Canada and they don't understand it so I am getting a bit of a hard time about it.  So the Canadian clinics would be able to understand the whole surrogacy legalities, our surrogate would be able to hopefully use a clinic closer to home and her poor husband could maybe be left out of the doctor stuff.  Good grief I am just tired!  Somebody please fix all of this for me so I don't have to!!  Mother???  haha

In two weeks today I have my first appointment to begin the process for the retrieval, so hopefully that all goes smoothly and they don't decide that they aren't going to do this for me if I don't keep the embryos in their clinic.  Cause I am starting to wonder if they are a little possessive...  I have told myself I am not allowed to throw my hands up and yell "I quit", so if I need to I will just get a new CT clinic to make some embryos for us knowing from the start that we will be transporting them to Canada.  I don't know, I just feel like we are starting over again.  Finding and working with this clinic has been tough!!  So I am now going to change my badatude to a more optimistic attitude and tell myself that it will all work itself out very quickly!  I can't wait to post some stuff on the actual retrieval, medications, transfer, and then baby!  I am aching to post those things!!  So happy thoughts that this is going to move forward somehow and we will all be delirious with joy.  

I added a link to this video of our not so little guy when he was just a little guy because I watched it yesterday and it made me bawl!  (A cute Boy)  I just can't wait to be able to do this again and have another sweet little muffin.  As tough as this journey is going to be, I know it is worth it! 

Let the Games Begin

I can't believe I am writing this post!  We have found our surrogate!!  We talked for hours the other day and I just knew I wanted to have her be our surrogate, so I just hoped and hoped that she would feel the same way.  She is hilarious, honest, extremely open, happy, kind...I could go on!  How can you even describe the person who makes this kind of sacrifice for a stranger?  She not only has to come out here to get a psych evaluation, and medical screening, but she has to take lots of medications to trick her body into thinking it is going to be pregnant.  Wait, that's not all!  She has to then come back and have our embryo shoved inside her, and and then shove needles in her butt for months to trick her body into believing she is now pregnant with her own baby.  Wait, that's still not all!!  She then has to wait and see if the pregnancy actually took, high chances that it won't, especially the first time around!  Then be on pins and needles that the baby will make it to 40 weeks and then pop that thing out of a tiny hole and give that sweet muffin to us.  Oh, I forgot to mention what her family has to sacrifice by having a pregnant wife and mother around, with all that comes with pregnancy!  They are also making a huge sacrifice!!  Oh, and she has to fight those crazy emotions that come from being pregnant.  Did I get everything???  Probably not!!  What does she get out of this?  I know that is what lots of people are wondering.  I have thought about this so much!  I have thought that I am putting a family through a lot so that my family gets another baby. Is this fair to ask?  I don't really have an answer for that.  I can't even come to grips with the fact that she is doing this for us!  All I know is that there are great things ahead for this family!  When you do incredibly unselfish things for others, there is always karma that returns to you!!  Some book I saw said “If you send out goodness from yourself, or if you share that which is happy or good within you, it will all come back to you multiplied ten thousand times. The more love you give away, the more love you will have.”  I will accept this unbelievable gift and I will accept this kindness that is being offered.  My greatest hope in all of this, is that my children and future child will see this gift and this sacrifice and want to give back to others.  That they will believe in the kindness of strangers.  That they will believe in a world that is good and kind and hopeful.  I hope that I will in turn also know how to be a selfless giver.  My other hopes are that my blog and experiences from surrogacy can help in a small way with the misconceptions of surrogacy.  That people can see that we aren't trying to take advantage of anyone, that they are offering a gift to us.  That surrogacy is an acceptable means to having a child and that if everything is done in the proper ways, it is not a scary option. 

Dave has read my post so far and said, wow, you sound really excited.  I guess too many exclamation points.  Get used to it, I love them!!!!!!  Like I am screaming in excitement all of the time!!!!!  I definitely over use them most of the time, but in this post, definitely not.  I am that excited.  Tonight we go out to our fertility clinic to an information session with other couples that are starting the IVF process soon.  I am sure we will be the oddballs, I don't think there is going to be anyone else using surrogacy.  But, I want to know everything.  I want to know all that I will be going through, and all that my surrogate will be going through.  I want to be able to somewhat sympathize with her while she is stabbing herself over and over.  She told me that I was very welcome to get a bunch of syringes and fill them with water and inject myself with her.  Maybe I will, except that I am told its more like injecting yourself with syrup rather than water, and I don't think it is too safe to put maple syrup in my butt.  It almost sounds sacrilegious to use our precious maple syrup that way.  I do have to participate in some injections myself for the egg retrieval, but not like she will have to.

I had some people ask about the cost of surrogacy in Canada.  If it is the same as adoption, or how that works.  I am also not 100% sure yet, but I do know it is illegal for a surrogate to get paid in Canada for this.  She is reimbursed for any costs she would accrue based on the pregnancy and delivery.  We would be paying for her medications, her travel costs, money for clothing, legal costs because there are contracts involved, life insurance while pregnant... Stuff like that.  I would say it is probably comparable to adoption costs because of the IVF costs and such??  I am comparing to international adoption.  I am unsure of the costs of adoption in Canada.  Is this pricey?  Yes!  It is very pricey!  We just can't focus on the cost.  We want to focus on the baby we can one day hold and love.  That is where we have to be, or the costs can drive you mad!  Plus, I am already way too ready for this, I want a baby so bad!  We will forget about the costs one day, but I would never forgive myself if I decided a baby wasn't worth the risk of trying, or the money.  

So there it is!  We are actually headed on this journey, and we can't wait!!!  No matter the outcome, what a journey this will be.