The Nerves

I have heard many times, "You get the baby and don't have to be pregnant!?" or, "You don't have to recover from the labour!?" or, "You aren't going to have to get fat!" (debatable, cause I like to eat a lot), or "You don't have to be the sick one", and many many more.  Now obviously these are jokes, and I laugh or come up with my own funny addition.  It has never bothered me because it's natural to emphasize all of the positives to having a surrogate.  I even remember thinking about celebrities that used a surrogate and thought "they are only doing that to save their body."  But as time has gone on, I can't escape the worries that come with being an intended parent, while your surrogate is pregnant.  

I will start out by saying that I couldn't trust Andrea any more than I do.  She is amazing, and takes care of our little lentil-sized baby nugget just as I would!  But there are natural worries that happen!  For instance, I said in my last post how Andrea started to bleed a little 2 weeks ago and I couldn't help the tears from starting.  As I reflected on why I became so emotional, I have come to some conclusions as to why I was so stressed out.  It had nothing to do with Andrea, but everything to do with me not being in control. 

I had my other two children on my own and I actually bled with both of them while pregnant.  My first a lot more than my second.  I almost lost my first at 12 weeks from bleeding and cramping, and as a result I had to go on bed rest for the next 3 months.  When they took me off of bed rest at 20 weeks, I went to one of my friends weddings, and the next morning I got another scare.  As I felt a little gush and the sure signs of labour, I panicked!  My panic caused me to stay motionless in bed for three hours till my husband woke up.  He rushed me to the hospital and they said that my panicked reaction of motionless anxiety was actually the best thing I did.  Somehow the leak plugged up, and they stopped the labor and put me promptly back on bedrest. Then at 32 weeks, I went into full blown labor and was hospitalized.  Every morning I would go in to labor, they would stop it and I repeated this for 2 weeks.  They then sent me home and said I was 4 cm dilated and they would see me in a few days to deliver the baby.  Well, I ended up being induced instead 7 weeks later.  It was a really scary 9 months for us.  

The reason I wanted to share this was because it relates to a persons state of mind in tricky pregnancy situations.  With my babies, it was my body.  I knew what was happening, how I felt, when to run to the hospital, when bleeding seemed too much, when I just didn't feel right. Being pregnant, you love your little pea so much, as soon as you see those two lines on a test.  But largely I was just guessing on what to do.  I was a rookie with each pregnancy, because each one is unique.  I've had to accept that with each pregnancy we only have limited  control over whether this baby will actually make it 9 months, regardless of who carries the baby. When its your body, you know what you feel, how you feel, and when it just doesn't feel right.  When its your surrogates body, you have to rely on the fact that she is doing the same thing and to allow her to trust her instincts.  

Although, lately as this has been going on, I have really learned that she loves this little pea too.  She has sacrificed many things in order to be a surrogate. She has to be on light rest for the first 12 weeks just to help her body stay pregnant.   All the long trips to doctors hours and hours away.  Not to mention all of the sacrifices she will be making for the next 9 months!!!  It's hard to fathom.  I trust this girl so much!  She knows what she is doing, she has been pregnant before, and she wants this as much as we do.  So I tell myself to calm down, relax, enjoy the moment, and be the most supportive intended parent I can be.  Sometimes I tell myself "wow, this is what my husband probably felt sometimes."  He is the parent, but there is nothing he could ever do to make the scary stuff not happen, or have any of the control over it.  So it is nice to be able to relate to him in this way, it just makes us closer.  

On to the good news!  I got a phone call from the clinic yesterday morning and we received the results from the blood work Andrea did on Thursday.  HCG 16,880!!  We still have a doubling time under two days, which is really high.  The clinic is absolutely thrilled and says this is a strong pregnancy.  I bet my husband would say in his best Obi-wan Kenobi voice "The pregnancy is strong with this one."  Now I just have to wait for Monday's ultrasound.  I am dying to see a picture of our Pea!!

That Wait Time!!

The days waiting to see if the IVF transfer worked were agony!  We were told by the clinic that Andrea needed to go get her blood taken 10 days post transfer to see what her HCG (human chorionic growth hormone) levels were.  Since I worked in the Chemistry department in a medical lab, I fully understood what levels I was looking for.  So if you get a blood HCG greater than 5, its considered a positive pregnancy test.  But 25 is the number they put out there as one they want to see as a minimum.  But in IVF they are really looking at doubling time, which means they are looking to see that your numbers are doubling in value every 24-72 hours.  If your numbers continue to at least double in this time, it looks like a healthy pregnancy.  If not, it could just be a chemical pregnancy.  Chemical pregnancy--"the fertilized egg does not implant properly in the uterus, resulting in an early miscarriage."  So as you can see, I know TOO much!!  I was panicking just a little, I was stressing maybe a lot, I was worried way more than a reasonable human being should, and I just couldn't stand the waiting!  I messaged Andrea and pressured her a little ( or a lot) to think about peeing on a stick.  I didn't want her to do anything she didn't want to, because I knew she was just as stressed as me about seeing a negative test and that a negative test didn't necessarily mean we weren't pregnant, just that we'd have to wait for the blood tests with the added pressure of just seeing a poor (but possibly inaccurate) result.  That would have added a lot of anxiety to the picture.  So, the next thing I knew I got this picture sent to me...

Now I know it is soooo faint, but it was POSITIVE!!!  I was so excited, but again, I think i was more freaked out by this.  What if the next one was still really faint, or what if it was then negative?  So she sent me the next day test first thing in the morning.

She only had a digital test available, but the yes+ still was so exciting.  I "might" have told her to go out and buy some more tests so that I could compare pink lines.  haha.  So a few hours later (once she returned from the store - haha she's such a good sport!) I get this picture

 It was definitely getting darker and it gave me so much relief.  Just so you all can understand the writing on the tests, the top one means: 4 days post 5 day transfer, and the second one: 5 days post 5 day transfer.  To clarify further, it means we tested on the fourth day after the transfer of a 5 day embryo.

Now just to make you all understand the crazy that happens to me when doing pregnancy tests (yes I did this with my other two kids as well) here is the next day test with day 4 and day 5 as well.  Oh and by the way, thank you Andrea for indulging my nuttiness!!! FYI these are the first pregnancy tests she's ever taken ... so you know this is all about me!  I just can't help myself!  Haha!!  Maybe it's because I worked in a urinalysis lab?  Have I acquired a urine obsession?  TMI?

So Day 4 - 1 test, Day 5 - 2 tests, and Day 6 - 3 tests.  They are all positive!!  Don't worry, we reduced to one test a day after this.  Super embarrassed, but, it just kills me not knowing!  Oh and the BFP means--Big Fat Positive.  Seriously this has been like learning a new language.  haha

Now on to side by side comparisons up to Day 7

I was actually starting to really believe this was happening!  I was starting to just relax and let myself be excited about a baby, that yes we could still very easily miscarry, but I was allowed to be excited. On Day 8, Andrea went for her first blood test.  

It was early to get the test, but because it was a long weekend we needed to do it on day 8 or have to wait all the way till day 11!  So of course I told her to go on day 8 then we just planned to get the second test on day 11 to make sure it had doubled.  We weren't able to get the results from the first test until day 11 so of course we were going crazy all weekend.  On Day 9, Andrea let me know that she woke up to a little blood.  She told me it was the actual day of when her period would start, so I didn't let myself panic too much.  I knew that there is something called implantation bleeding, which is caused by the embryo implanting and some lining shedding from that.  I also knew there was a chance for some bleeding after the transfer, so I really tried not to worry.  But a few minutes later, I looked at Dave and burst into tears.  I think I just needed a moment to allow fear, but then I quickly let that moment pass.  

Now more than ever I was excited to know the test results so I could see our beta HCG levels.  First thing that tuesday morning, day 11, I called the clinic wondering what our levels were from day 8.  I had the number 70 on my mind but really hoping to hear it was 100.  I will first show you guys the ranges of the HCG levels and their days post transfer (DPT):

So 8 days after transfer (8 DPT) our numbers came back at 141--so it was a high number!  

    

11 days after transfer (9 DPT) our numbers came back at 414-- definitely doubled and above average.  

The clinic said they were super happy with these numbers but Andrea needed to go back again on day 14 to keep making sure this number is going up consistently.  

14 Days after transfer (14 DPT) our numbers came back at 1952--Above average again.

                                                          I think she is getting sick of tests!!

We are all beyond thrilled!!  I am really allowing myself to believe this is happening, that a baby really is on the way.  Andrea is again going for bloodwork this coming Thursday, which will make it 20 days post transfer.  She will then have an ultrasound on Monday!!  That is going to be so cool, to see a little embryo in there, and I hope it looks healthy and good and stuck in there.  I won't be able to attend this first ultrasound (it really bums me out) as I am away for a couple weeks and just can't make it.  Andrea is going to ask the clinic if they can send me a copy of the ultrasound to see this baby, and she is also going to try to get a picture of the embryo pre-transfer.  I think that would be super neat to have for a memory book for the baby to see one day.  

Andrea is definitely feeling pregnant and is super excited to stop the progesterone medication in 5 weeks.  She says that it's not a fun part of this experience at all!  I'm hoping she has the easiest pregnancy ever, and I feel bad for her all of the time!  What a beautiful gift this amazing woman is offering our little family!  I can't say enough!  

I can't wait to keep updating you all!  I will do a quick update when we have beta results on Friday and then another post about the ultrasound.  Cant wait!!  Andrea said she is really just wanting to make sure there is only one baby in there and the ultrasound will confirm that for her.  I am not even thinking twins, there is only a 2-4% chance of the embryo splitting, so no way!  Just hoping for a healthy little baby.  Thanks all of you for your kind thoughts and wishes!  I will not keep you waiting so long next time!  The summer is too crazy!!!!