Right now I am sitting in the most beautiful place, the lake I have grown up going to my whole life, in Montana. This is where I feel peace, joy, and enjoy some of my most happy memories!
And just like I had it as a child, my children are now getting to enjoy it with their cousins.
I feel so recharged to face life again. Today I was anxiously waiting to hear how Andrea and the baby we're doing at the ultrasound. I wish I could have been there with her, but I am so glad if I couldn't be there, I am here in Montana.
Andrea and I exchanged some nervous texts before the ultrasound this morning, we were both feeling the excitement and the nerves. All of a sudden I got a message, "It's Alive! Heartbeat is 162 and the baby is moving like crazy." I was relieved, but also longed to be there. I wasn't going to be able to see movements because the tech wouldn't allow video, but Andrea did send me some pictures. Here's our rainbow baby!!!
This has been a very stressful couple of weeks. Andrea was having lots of bleeding until one day her symptoms just up and decided to leave. We were worrying heavily that we had lost this baby as well. It was just so similar to everything that happened last time. Why this journey can not just go smoothly I will never know, but at least we are constantly reminded how alive we are. Yikes
I flew to Williams lake for our 10 week ultrasound on Tuesday and had some major fun with Andrea. I have been going on and on about how jealous I am of her life. My dream would be to live on a farm with chickens, goats, sheep, and horses. That is her life! I have a love affair with horses but for some reason I never take the opportunity to actually ride them. I just absolutely adore them. Well, Andrea surprised me with a trail ride while we were in Williams lake! We went to the most amazing ranch! I am most definitely taking the kids there--Spring Lake Ranch--there was a lake, horse rides, cabins, all nestled in the most gorgeous forest. Seriously, so gorgeous. I fell in love with the place immediately. My horse was a little devil, but my kind of girl. She was sassy, tried to take the lead, listened to nobody, and wouldn't stop eating. Yeah, my spirit animal. Haha. Here's some fun pics from our ride.
Seriously, I haven't laughed like that in a really long time. This surrogacy stuff has been agonizing and so painful, man I needed this. It was just fun to take our minds off the upcoming ultrasound; to be outside with these majestic animals (who of course pee'd on me and pooped nonstop). It was awesome. Andrea constantly pushes me to do these things and I adore her for it. I'm supposed to be spoiling her, but it's usually the opposite. That is who she is: a caring, loving, mothering type. How could she not be?? She's carrying a baby for another family, so she's either incredible or crazy. I choose to think it's a little from column A and a little from column B.
Now on to what most people are looking for, the story of the ultrasound. Do you think this could have gone smoothly for us??? Yeah right!! We were both so sick to our stomachs before the appointment. We both had a bad feeling going in, and we put off going inside that brutal hospital as long as we could. The last time I was there was the day we found out we lost the first pregnancy and the last time she was there she was getting a D&C. Not fun memories. I swear I have ptsd cause as soon as I got there, I started to struggle with my breathing and I had a minor anxiety attack. I couldn't take another heartbreak! So we walked in and went to the desk and the lady said, "I'm sorry, we have to cancel your appointment today because the tech went home with pinkeye". What?!?!?!? I had to walk away because I was literally holding back big, ugly sobs.
Dejected, we left the hospital. While Andrea was driving out of the parking lot, I jumped out of the car and raced back inside. MAMA BEAR!! I begged the lady to find a doctor or nurse or let me do the ultrasound. I was begging and begging and begging. No way, she said, we have no way of doing this. I died a little inside. I had to go home that afternoon and couldn't come back for the new appointment scheduled for the following Monday. Plus, Andrea has been having some bad symptoms and we were very concerned we were losing, or had already lost, this baby.
As Andrea and were talking, trying to console each other, we found out that her good friend had had a baby that day in the very same hospital. We decided to go visit the baby to help us feel happy. Plus, we both thought maybe a nurse would use a Doppler on us in the maternity ward. I was desperate, okay past desperate by this time. So in we went to the maternity ward to visit her friend and beg for mercy. A nurse came out and said her friend was sleeping and didn't want us to disturb her, which we were fine with, but I couldn't help myself. I asked her if she could help us and pleaded with her, telling her that I was desperate. The nurse said she would see what she could do. Before long she had found another more senior nurse who came out and took pity on us. She said "let's go see if we can hear anything." She warned us that at 10 weeks we may not hear anything. Well guess what? We heard nothing!!! This nurse was amazing, she just kept checking and checking for the heartbeat but it wasn't there. I looked at Andrea and literally I saw the life go out of her eyes. She couldn't handle this either. The nurse stood up and said to wait. We had no idea why until she came back with a bedside ultrasound. She is a pure saint this girl, like all the nurses in my life. Just the most compassionate person - so kind, and I could tell she didn't want to give up. She put that ultrasound on Andrea's belly and here is the video:
It's pretty tough to make out, but on the bottom left you can see a tiny flutter of a heart, and above the body you can see a little hand waving back and forth. We both died right there. I loved the wave, it was like the baby was saying--"hi, I'm in here and still going". This day could not have been more of an up and down day. Super happy, then super sad, then super happy again. I barely kept my eyes open on the plane, I was emotionally exhausted!
So Andrea goes back Monday for the better ultrasound with a heart rate for us and measurements. But I am so thrilled to know that baby is happy right now. I was so scared we lost that bean again, but that little wave made me melt. There are few times in life when you will never forget a moment and falling in love with your child is one of those moments. Can I just say that if any of you have nurses in your life, give them a hug today? This nurse will forever be in my memory!! I just want to figure out her name so I can send her a gift. Nurses do so much and they make the hospitals a safe and comforting place. I have so much love and happiness in my heart today, I could explode. Sorry if this is a sappy post, but I am just so proud of Andrea and so glad she chose us. This would never have happened without this woman in our life and I can't imagine what we did to deserve her. Thank you Andrea! We love you and so will this baby one day!
