Its Been Awhile

Sorry everyone who reads this blog!  I have been so so neglectful with our story, Andrea has given me looks and is saying I am putting this off too long.  Whoops!  You know when life gets crazy, this sort of thing gets put to the side and I so easily say "oh, I will get to that tomorrow"?  Yeah, my life in a nutshell lately.

Lets talk about this little bugger!  We now know 100% that we can start calling the baby a GIRL!!  We are so excited to meet her and to hold her.  We are 27 weeks along on Thursday and feeling pretty confident that she is in there for the long haul.  Andrea is having a perfect pregnancy, health wise anyway.  haha.  She isn't getting much sleep because this little muffin never stops moving or kicking her.  When we went for an ultrasound baby was doing back flips over and over and poor Andrea had to feel it on the inside.  It sure didn't seem too comfortable for her.  I was just sitting there watching this all go on and what a crazy feeling--this is my baby in her tummy.  Generally I have gotten quite used to our not so normal version of normal, but during ultrasounds it can feel totally surreal.   In the 3d ultrasounds you can really see the baby's face and she most definitely belongs to us, so we aren't stressing anymore that maybe the embryo was switched, or were they sure they put the right sperm with the right egg?  haha.  Still, it is odd that I don't get those painful kicks, or those sleepless nights and Andrea really knows this baby so well already, and yet it's my baby.  The one thing that has helped me feel so okay with it is that this must be how men feel during pregnancies, I am sure.  So I channel my inner Dave and accept that I will have this baby in my arms soon, but she is being really well looked after by her surrogate mom in the meantime.

The best thing is that during the 3D ultrasound you could tell how happy she is in there.  She was so snuggly, and then she would start smiling--it was adorable!  She was grabbing her umbilical cord and snuggling it like a blanket and then she would suck her thumb.  Many blankeys and soothers in her future I guess.  She looked so perfect and all I wanted to do was take her out and snuggle her--I had to be reminded that she is only a pound right now, so I better wait for the snuggles.

So here is our baby girl, now just to figure out a name for this muffin.  

Smiley girl

 Rubbing her eyes and gripping her umbilical cord

 Cute little hands

So for the last couple months Andrea has been having some intense braxton hicks with this baby, and last week they seemed especially strong.  She let me know that she was headed to the hospital to make sure she wasn't going in to labour and I got to do the fun waiting game here.  The doctors monitored her all day and said yes, they were braxton hicks but we needed to be prepared for a possibility of early labour with this one.  I am crossing all of my fingers and toes that we won't have to go through a scary early labour then life flight to Vancouver, and also a temporary move for me away from the rest of my family, but that is definitely in the back of our minds as a possibility.  I am not going to stress about it yet though, because that isn't helpful.  haha.  Andrea has also been suffering with severe acid reflux and sleepless nights in addition to the painful contractions...thanks for taking this one for the team, lady!!!  It can be quite the challenge for me to not feel guilty over it, because these symptoms are most definitely consistent with my babies.  I suffered through two pregnancies, but at least I was suffering for my own baby, not having someone else do it for me.  A big "but" is that Andrea hates when I feel guilty.  She always puts my mind at ease in that she's "got this" and in 90 days she will gladly pass little baby my way to suffer with for the rest of the 18 years to life. She makes me laugh.  

Here she is at 27 weeks,  Her snowpants are ADORABLE! 

So the rollercoaster continues, but baby girl is finally at a pretty viable stage and we will hope for the full term baby.  But, whenever she decides she needs to come, we will do whatever we need to do for this little miracle of ours.  

New name ideas:  Frankie Renee
                              Sloan Renee

Our Happy Place

Right now I am sitting in the most beautiful place, the lake I have grown up going to my whole life, in Montana. This is where I feel peace, joy, and enjoy some of my most happy memories!

And just like I had it as a child, my children are now getting to enjoy it with their cousins. 

I feel so recharged to face life again.  Today I was anxiously waiting to hear how Andrea and the baby we're doing at the ultrasound. I wish I could have been there with her, but I am so glad if I couldn't be there, I am here in Montana.

Andrea and I exchanged some nervous texts before the ultrasound this morning, we were both feeling the excitement and the nerves. All of a sudden I got a message, "It's Alive! Heartbeat is 162 and the baby is moving like crazy."  I was relieved, but also longed to be there. I wasn't going to be able to see movements because the tech wouldn't allow video, but Andrea did send me some pictures. Here's our rainbow baby!!!

Friends, Horses, babies and nurses

This has been a very stressful couple of weeks.  Andrea was having lots of bleeding until one day her symptoms just up and decided to leave.  We were worrying heavily that we had lost this baby as well.  It was just so similar to everything that happened last time.  Why this journey can not just go smoothly I will never know, but at least we are constantly reminded how alive we are.  Yikes


I flew to Williams lake for our 10 week ultrasound on Tuesday and had some major fun with Andrea. I have been going on and on about how jealous I am of her life. My dream would be to live on a farm with chickens, goats, sheep, and horses. That is her life!  I have a love affair with horses but for some reason I never take the opportunity to actually ride them. I just absolutely adore them. Well, Andrea surprised me with a trail ride while we were in Williams lake! We went to the most amazing ranch!  I am most definitely taking the kids there--Spring Lake Ranch--there was a lake, horse rides, cabins, all nestled in the most gorgeous forest. Seriously, so gorgeous. I fell in love with the place immediately. My horse was a little devil, but my kind of girl. She was sassy, tried to take the lead, listened to nobody, and wouldn't stop eating. Yeah, my spirit animal. Haha. Here's some fun pics from our ride. 

Seriously, I haven't laughed like that in a really long time. This surrogacy stuff has been agonizing and so painful, man I needed this. It was just fun to take our minds off the upcoming ultrasound; to be outside with these majestic animals (who of course pee'd on me and pooped nonstop). It was awesome. Andrea constantly pushes me to do these things and I adore her for it. I'm supposed to be spoiling her, but it's usually the opposite. That is who she is: a caring, loving, mothering type. How could she not be??  She's carrying a baby for another family, so she's either incredible or crazy.   I choose to think it's a little from column A and a little from column B.


Now on to what most people are looking for, the story of the ultrasound. Do you think this could have gone smoothly for us???  Yeah right!! We were both so sick to our stomachs before the appointment. We both had a bad feeling going in, and we put off going inside that brutal hospital as long as we could. The last time I was there was the day we found out we lost the first pregnancy and the last time she was there she was getting a D&C. Not fun memories. I swear I have ptsd cause as soon as I got there, I started to struggle with my breathing and I had a minor anxiety attack. I couldn't take another heartbreak!  So we walked in and went to the desk and the lady said, "I'm sorry, we have to cancel your appointment today because the tech went home with pinkeye". What?!?!?!?  I had to walk away because I was literally holding back big, ugly sobs. 


Dejected, we left the hospital.  While Andrea was driving out of the parking lot, I jumped out of the car and raced back inside. MAMA BEAR!! I begged the lady to find a doctor or nurse or let me do the ultrasound. I was begging and begging and begging. No way, she said, we have no way of doing this. I died a little inside. I had to go home that afternoon and couldn't come back for the new appointment scheduled for the following Monday. Plus, Andrea has been having some bad symptoms and we were very concerned we were losing, or had already lost, this baby.


As Andrea and were talking, trying to console each other, we found out that her good friend had had a baby that day in the very same hospital. We decided to go visit the baby to help us feel happy. Plus, we both thought maybe a nurse would use a Doppler on us in the maternity ward. I was desperate, okay past desperate by this time. So in we went to the maternity ward to visit her friend and beg for mercy.  A nurse came out and said her friend was sleeping and didn't want us to disturb her, which we were fine with, but I couldn't help myself. I asked her if she could help us and pleaded with her, telling her that I was desperate.  The nurse said she would see what she could do.  Before long she had found another more senior nurse who came out and took pity on us.  She said  "let's go see if we can hear anything." She warned us that at 10 weeks we may not hear anything. Well guess what?  We heard nothing!!!  This nurse was amazing, she just kept checking and checking for the heartbeat but it wasn't there. I looked at Andrea and literally I saw the life go out of her eyes. She couldn't handle this either. The nurse stood up and said to wait.  We had no idea why until she came back with a bedside ultrasound. She is a pure saint this girl, like all the nurses in my life. Just the most compassionate person - so kind, and I could tell she didn't want to give up. She put that ultrasound on Andrea's belly and here is the video:

 It's pretty tough to make out, but on the bottom left you can see a tiny flutter of a heart, and above the body you can see a little hand waving back and forth. We both died right there. I loved the wave, it was like the baby was saying--"hi, I'm in here and still going". This day could not have been more of an up and down day. Super happy, then super sad, then super happy again. I barely kept my eyes open on the plane, I was emotionally exhausted!

So Andrea goes back Monday for the better ultrasound with a heart rate for us and measurements. But I am so thrilled to know that baby is happy right now. I was so scared we lost that bean again, but that little wave made me melt. There are few times in life when you will never forget a moment and falling in love with your child is one of those moments. Can I just say that if any of you have nurses in your life, give them a hug today?  This nurse will forever be in my memory!!  I just want to figure out her name so I can send her a gift. Nurses do so much and they make the hospitals a safe and comforting place. I have so much love and happiness in my heart today, I could explode. Sorry if this is a sappy post, but I am just so proud of Andrea and so glad she chose us. This would never have happened without this woman in our life and I can't imagine what we did to deserve her. Thank you Andrea!  We love you and so will this baby one day!

Ultrasound #1

Another trip to Vancouver has come to an end!  We met at the hotel, the wrong hotel because I for some reason booked a hotel on the other side of the city instead of our normal hotel.  Andrea has pregnancy brain and I obviously am trying to have that illness too.  Anyway, we went out for some food and went to a movie together.  As usual Andrea kept me laughing and super entertained!  The girl has some crazy stories and it makes me so jealous that her life is so exciting.  Living on a farm in the middle of nowhere is super cool!  She has been teaching this city girl quite a few things, and insists on making me rough it with her sometime.  We will see if she can succeed with that, many have failed.
This is what I think of when someone brings up camping

OR

So as you can see, I have very happy thoughts about camping.  

We woke up the next morning and Andrea wanted to show me the horse race track before our ultrasound, I have never been and thought that sounded fun.  I have a love affair with horses, so all I cared about was being up close to them.  There ended up not being any races going on before our appointment, but being with Andrea is always an adventure.

Both of us were really nervous about the ultrasound since the last time we had one we ended up finding out that we had lost the baby.  Andrea had been bleeding for a week and during first trimester of pregnancy this can be common, but bleeding is never something that makes me comfortable.  The doctor came in and I saw the baby right away and we both saw the heartbeat immediately.  What a relief to see a little bean in there alive and healthy.

I know it can be hard to see but the baby is the blob in the middle of the black hole.   Here is our baby!!!

It is seriously a miracle to hear something that tiny--the size of a blueberry at the time--have a heartbeat!!  I will keep on saying that science is super cool!  That we even have the technology to see and hear this stuff is amazing.  

Since Andrea has been bleeding and we have had a loss before, we are going to be doing ultrasounds every 2 weeks until we feel it is a healthy, viable pregnancy.  I am flying to Williams Lake on the 2nd for ultrasound #2 which will put us at almost 10 weeks.  Our last pregnancy based on the size of the baby ended at week 9, so I am crossing my fingers and toes that we will have a happy ultrasound in 2 weeks.  

We are all so excited that things are going well so far, we all are convinced this baby is a girl and I even did something funny to find out.  There is something called the Ramzi Theory which looks at ultrasounds and based off of where the placenta is forming in your uterus they can tell what your baby's gender is.  I know, I know, its probably all hocus pocus, but I don't care because its just plain fun!!  So based off of the Ramzi Theory, they said that baby is a girl too!  So if the placenta is on the left its a girl, right and its a boy.

So we have some names picked out and I am not one of those that keeps that to myself.  So help us out and tell us what you think of these three names we are thinking of:

Piper
Colbie
Eden

I am sure as time goes on, we will have many more to choose from, but these are our faves so far.  If this baby is a boy, I apologize in advance.  I have been wrong with both of our other kids, so I wouldn't be that shocked.  

Thanks so much for all of the congratulations, we are so so excited!!

3rd Time IS the Charm

I have been so lazy and a little nervous about blogging!  Its funny all the crazy emotions you go through with IVF and also surrogacy.  You are super happy, super sad, hopeful, angry, full of love, and sometimes very depressed.  Its something I definitely don't take for granted because this experience has taught me so much about myself and about perseverance!  

As probably most of you know because a lot of my blog followers are either family or friends on facebook, we are pregnant!!!  I took everyone on facebook for a little roller coaster ride by first telling them that this transfer didn't work again, to then telling them the next day that it worked.  Whoops!!  My bad!  It says a lot about my emotions going through all of this and my natural tendency to jump to negative conclusions.  

When we started this journey with Andrea, we all were so sure this would be smooth sailing especially because we got pregnant so easily the first time but then losing that baby at 11 weeks and then failing at our second attempt, panic can set in.  This round, we were all so sure it was it.  3rd times the charm right??  So when Andrea took 2 pregnancy tests the day of our blood work and they both came back negative--I was devastated.  No one gets negative pregnancy tests and then have a positive beta HCG (blood test for pregnancy) the same day.  So the next day when the phone call came from Andrea that the tests the next day were positive and then the doctor said the blood work was alos positive, I was not prepared!  But we are sooooooo happy!!! 

So here is our timeline from transfer:

June 15--transfer day of a 5 day blastocyst.  

She did it alone this time.  I felt awful, we were in Italy visiting my parents and nature does not follow schedules.  I somewhat wonder if this was better for Andrea.  I can be a nervous, crazy person in there.  My nerves show up in weird ways too! I go through all the drawers in the clinic and sneak in to places I shouldn't be.  Almost like a 10 year old boy.  I have lots of experience with them.  She is always telling me to sit down and relax, but I need to explore every nook and cranny and push all the buttons.  I even put the ultrasound machine on myself to see if I could find the area where my uterus should be. SO, I am sure it was a very calm experience this time. 

I emailed the embryologist to give me some info on the embryo this time around.  She said the embryo had 100% cell survival after thawing, so a very good chance for implantation. She said our clinic that did grading called it a grade B4.2.1 Grading is done different at different clinics, but with what I have learned, this is a great embryo.  Here's our baby!!!  Its so weird seeing it from so early on.  Crazy that this turns in to a baby!  I love science

June 22-Day 7 or as we IVF people call it 7dp5dt-beta tests came back at 81.
Here's the test Andrea took the following morning before we got the blood test results back.  She had one test left and just decided to use it.  She wasn't even going to look at it because she was also so sure it would be negative.  Sure glad she didn't chuck it!!  haha
 

I am going to add a picture that I added in an earlier post to help explain the numbers and what is normal ranges during this process.  I find it fascinating and I am obviously crazy because I research and research and research till there is literally no more information I could learn about beta blood work.  haha

So as you can see, on Day 7, 81 is above average, so that's very promising.  We are looking for our numbers to double every 48 to 72 hours, and that tends to be the thing we are watching for the most.  It will tell you if this is a viable pregnancy or not.

June 25- Day 10 or 10p5dt-beta test came back as 364.  Also a fantastic number, above average, and we are doubling in under 48 hours, so that is also a great thing.

July 2- Day 17 or 17dp5dt- beta came back at 4577.  Above average again and still doubling under 48 hours.

We are all beyond thrilled, well Andrea is pregnant and having the fun symptoms of that, but we are still thrilled.  haha  She says that she is so exhausted, wanting to eat really weird things, and a tad moody....  We love her so much for doing this for us, what a road she has been on to have a baby for someone else.   I apologize constantly about my baby.  My babies cause very strange cravings, I suffered from severe PICA with both.  So I can't wait to hear what happens with this pregnancy.  Luke it was vinegar, that's all I ever wanted.  I drank it in secret and doused everything in it.  It was really bad.  Jordyn I sniffed sponges.  I wanted to eat them, but Dave wouldn't let me.  What a drag.  I know!!!  Super weird.  I would have a sponge in my pocket every day that got switched out when the smell wasn't as strong and I had one during labor as well.  So hopefully this one is entertaining too. Love you Andrea.  bahahaha

Next Wednesday, July 13 we are heading to Vancouver for our first ultrasound.  Andrea will be about 7 weeks, so we should be able to see a heartbeat and make sure this little bean is healthy.  I won't ever let her do an ultrasound without me since our last one we found out we lost the baby.  I was so relieved I was there for it because I couldn't imagine her having to make that phone call to us.  That is asking too much.  So I will be there holding her hand and us doing this together.  I have so much hope that this is it, so I have no doubt our little apple seed is growing and strong. 

Well, this has been an exciting couple of weeks and I cant wait for next Wednesday!!  I will update you all as soon as I get that picture and let you know how we are progressing.  Hope everyone had a fantastic Canada Day and 4th of July!  Let me know if you have any questions, would love to answer them.  

Failed Transfer

Well guys, not good news. We had a failed transfer this time around. Our pee tests came back negative all the way up to the blood test, which also came back negative. So we had to decide if we wanted to try again. I think we all were on board immediately to try for sure one more time. It's hard to keep having disappointments, but we all are trying to just move forward. The doctor talked to me and said that he wanted to only do one embryo again as our embryos are really good quality and he feared twins for us if we put in two. If it was my body, I would take the risk, but not for someone else to risk. He said it's a much more difficult decision when you involve a 3rd party to the mix and he didn't want to take those risks with her. He also was not sure why it isn't working. He said she is perfectly healthy, the embryos are fantastic and he has high hopes for a success. He also said our miscarriage was very strange but he knows that Andrea can get pregnant. So we are trusting the doctor for this third round. 

When Andrea's cycle started after going off of the meds,  it was a really bad one so we all thought it would be a good idea to give her body a month off. Today she went back to Vancouver to have her insides painfully checked with shooting water. It's an awful experience!!!  The doctor confirmed that everything with her looks perfect and we can start again for her June cycle. So looks like we will transfer again mid to late June. It's a complicated month for us as we will be visiting my parents from June 2-18th in Italy, so I am hopeful we will be back in time for me to be with Andrea for transfer. If not, she is one tough lady and doesn't really need me, but it's so fun to do this together. So we all our very hopeful for June, which would give us a march baby, and that would be a pretty awesome birthday present for Jordyn, our daughter. If this works, we will have been in this process together for almost 2 1/2 years. She has become family as well as her daughters. So no matter what, we found each other, and that's just amazing!!  

We were all so sad, but again we want to thank everyone for their support. We are starting fresh and not allowing these hard things damper our spirits or cause us fear for June. This is a new start and new excitements. Can't wait to continue to write about it. Fun times ahead!!!

Transfer day

I had the best birthday weekend in Vancouver! I spent my birthday with my super fun sister in law and my cute little nephew muffin. I seriously love Vancouver, it is gorgeous and there is so much to do.

It really reminded me of Connecticut in springtime and there is nothing that brings my heart more joy than a beautiful spring day!!  

The next day Andrea and her girls arrived, I was so excited to see them!  We walked to Granville island, ate lots of food, took the girls swimming and just talked and talked and talked. I really missed Andrea!  She is never boring and always has the funniest stories to tell. 

Monday the 18th was transfer day and we were almost walking in to the clinic when we got a call that our embryo had not survived thawing. We had to wait another hour and a half to see if the next embryo would survive. It did!!  This embryo was a 6 day blastocyst and it had 100% cell survival. So an excellent chance with this blob. 😂
 

Again, transfer day was not without its laughter and bladder issues. Andrea cannot get a full bladder!  Last time we had the same issues. The girl has two bladders, I swear!!   She drank 8L of water and it took 5 hours for her bladder to be full enough. INSANE!!!  I peed twice while waiting. I wanted to hold out with her, but I only have one very tiny bladder. Sorry lady, you're on your own for this one. But transfer went smoothly and we were on to the wait again.

 
I have been really anxious waiting, but definitely hopeful. We have taken a few tests and unfortunately at 6dp5dt we are still negative. We have been discussing the next round already because last time we already had very positive pee tests. It's been a hard day trying to reconcile the possibility that it didn't happen again, but I am still holding out hope. We have the blood test on Wednesday and that will be the final say. If it is bad news, it looks like we are only going to have one more try in us. 

It's incredibly expensive and incredibly heartbreaking to have to make a decision to quit on your dreams of a baby because of money. Unfortunately IVF is not cheap. I am trying not to get too down, but that is easier said than done. Why is this so hard?!?  We have a few more days to wait and see and then I will update you guys on the next step. Hopefully it's good news!!!

Giphy central--Can you feel the excitement?

Biggest news of all time!!!  It has taken me awhile to even post this because I am still in shock!!  Andrea came back!!!!


Believe me, I am as shocked as you are, but I could not be more excited!  Hence all the exclamation points.  Dave and I were going through all of our options, we had some fantastic options, but we weren't sure if timing was going to work out.  We started to wonder if we should just make the hard decision to just not pursue surrogacy anymore and move on completely.  No more babies, just our beautiful family of four and be perfectly happy with that.  

The next morning I got a facebook message from Andrea that she wanted to try again--needless to say, I burst in to tears. 
I called Dave, he said there was no question, so we all decided to get back on this horse and do this again.  We talked to the clinic in Vancouver and they said there was no need to do any testing, we could just start immediately.  Well, a few days later, Andrea started the meds and we are scheduled to transfer on April 20th.  

It is going so fast, but I love that!!  I have been ready for months and that sneaky lady came right out of left field.  We haven't been as in touch with each other over the last little while and talking to her on the phone was amazing.  We both needed to get over losing that pregnancy in our own way and on our own terms.  It was brutal, I missed her so much.  We know what we are in for, we know that this could become another heartbreak, but we are all in this together.  To make things even crazier, I bought a onesie, I couldn't resist, its perfect!

Yes baby, you will be well worth the wait and the heartbreak!  Everyone cross those fingers we can glue this baby in there.  Hope you guys are all ready for this blog to get flowing again, cause I need to write, and I have been so so amazed at the support we have received from so many people.  We feel the love and we thank you so much for that!  AHHHHHHH

5 Months Later

I thought I would do a quick update because I know I would be curious if I had been following this journey.  It has taken me 5 months to brave the blog again.  I am sure it would not be a shock to anyone that we have struggled with the loss of the baby and the loss of Andrea as our surrogate.  The baby would have been due in a little over 4 weeks now and it has been on my mind quite a bit.  When it comes to fertility and surrogacy it can be really confusing and really emotional trying to figure out what is next.  Even if you know what you want, it can be completely out of your hands, which is definitely the worst!!!  We have been actively pursuing another surrogate for about 3 months and it hasn't happened.  There are so many couples who are as desperate as we are and most aren't as lucky as we are to have children already.  We have always gone in to this knowing that we aren't going to be the first choice for a surrogate and that is so completely understandable.  Every time I get down about this whole adventure, I look at my kids and know how lucky we are.  I also love being a part of this community because I get to be a cheerleader for those other deserving couples who are also going through this emotional roller coaster.  Seriously, seeing these couples become a family because of someone who so unselfishly carries a baby for them is such a miracle and so exciting!!  

So, we haven't given up, we have these 7 embryos frozen for the right time, but maybe it won't happen.  I am sure we will know when that time will come, but I am not quite ready to give up hope.  We always said that once our journey was over, we would donate our embryos for another family that may want them, but that has been a tougher thought for me if we never get to use them.  I am sure that whatever happens, it will be the right thing.  

We are also going to a meeting tomorrow to learn about foster care and maybe taking a child in to our home with that route.  The likelyhood of adoption with foster care is not very good, but if in the time of waiting we can give love to child who so desperately needs it, we can do that.  We have also been preparing paperwork for adoption.  So we do have lots of options, but they are all tough and all have complications and all are not guaranteed.  Its tough.  I know so many of you have struggled with fertility and know this pain, thank you for being so good to us and supporting us through this.

We will continue to cross our fingers and toes that our family will grow, but in the end, we are happy, healthy and a family that loves each other.  What else could you ask for?