5 Months Later

I thought I would do a quick update because I know I would be curious if I had been following this journey.  It has taken me 5 months to brave the blog again.  I am sure it would not be a shock to anyone that we have struggled with the loss of the baby and the loss of Andrea as our surrogate.  The baby would have been due in a little over 4 weeks now and it has been on my mind quite a bit.  When it comes to fertility and surrogacy it can be really confusing and really emotional trying to figure out what is next.  Even if you know what you want, it can be completely out of your hands, which is definitely the worst!!!  We have been actively pursuing another surrogate for about 3 months and it hasn't happened.  There are so many couples who are as desperate as we are and most aren't as lucky as we are to have children already.  We have always gone in to this knowing that we aren't going to be the first choice for a surrogate and that is so completely understandable.  Every time I get down about this whole adventure, I look at my kids and know how lucky we are.  I also love being a part of this community because I get to be a cheerleader for those other deserving couples who are also going through this emotional roller coaster.  Seriously, seeing these couples become a family because of someone who so unselfishly carries a baby for them is such a miracle and so exciting!!  

So, we haven't given up, we have these 7 embryos frozen for the right time, but maybe it won't happen.  I am sure we will know when that time will come, but I am not quite ready to give up hope.  We always said that once our journey was over, we would donate our embryos for another family that may want them, but that has been a tougher thought for me if we never get to use them.  I am sure that whatever happens, it will be the right thing.  

We are also going to a meeting tomorrow to learn about foster care and maybe taking a child in to our home with that route.  The likelyhood of adoption with foster care is not very good, but if in the time of waiting we can give love to child who so desperately needs it, we can do that.  We have also been preparing paperwork for adoption.  So we do have lots of options, but they are all tough and all have complications and all are not guaranteed.  Its tough.  I know so many of you have struggled with fertility and know this pain, thank you for being so good to us and supporting us through this.

We will continue to cross our fingers and toes that our family will grow, but in the end, we are happy, healthy and a family that loves each other.  What else could you ask for?

Oh Life...

I thought I would try to add a little humour to this post.  We are sad to have to post this, but we spoke to Andrea today and it looks like she wont be able to try again with us.  She is absolutely making the right decision, and we totally agree with her because things happen in life that are just out of our control.  We are heartbroken, but will never regret having Andrea in our life or forget the sacrifice she made for our family.  We are not sure what we will do next, I dont know if I have it in me to try and find another surrogate, so we are going to regroup for awhile and look at all of our options going forward.  I have been struggling today with the why's and the loss of the baby more than ever.  Its hard to make sense of all that has happened in the last year, its been a really tough year for us, but now we just need to figure out whats next.  I am struggling to know what to even say right now, so I will leave it at that.  I hope this isnt the end of our journey for another little Burnham, but it is out of our control right now.  Thank you all again for being so supportive, its been so needed.

It's so hard

It has been an absolutely crazy couple of months!  We have been back in Canada for almost 3 months, the kids have started their new school, Dave has started his new job, and we are moving into our new home next week. I am sure my in-laws are going to be very happy to have their space back, but they have been so awesome about having the four of us and the dog living in their place. 

Andrea is still pregnant!!  She hit the 11 week mark on Sunday and is officially off of the progesterone she was taking. She is pretty happy about that!  She has been so so sick with this baby and it makes me feel terrible.  With her girls, she never experienced morning sickness or really many negative effects of pregnancy but this baby is not letting her get any food down or letting her sleep. Either this baby is a boy, or my embryos make people feel yucky!  I was very sick with our Son, but not really sick with our daughter. So I guess we will have to wait and see what the gender is to help with my theories. Haha. I am currently writing this on a plane heading to BC. I am meeting up with Andrea for our almost 12 week ultrasound. I cannot wait!!!  I am so excited to see her and to see this little bean. I can't wait to get a picture and to make sure the baby looks happy and growing normally. I should also be getting an official due date. The due date calculator online has an ivf section with age of embryo, so April 10 should be fairly accurate. I decided to bring with me some preggie pops for Andrea to see if that will help with her all day sickness, a whole case just to be safe. 

It's with the deepest of sadness to tell you all that the ultrasound wasn't good news. It looks like we lost the baby last week. The measurements came back at 10 weeks. The moment I walked into that ultrasound and the tech put the baby on the screen, my heart sank. I knew the baby was gone. She kept saying, well maybe I just can't see the heartbeat. But, I knew. My baby wasn't moving. Just laying there asleep. I knew and my heart ached. For me and for Andrea. Oh how I wish I could take that moment of pain away from her. We all feel defeated and devastated. I am sure that I will feel better with time, but my heart is heavy. I am so glad I was there. I am so glad I decided to fly out to see for myself and to be there to hug Andrea. We needed each other, we needed those few hours after to be together and cry together. It's amazing how much you can love a 1 1/2 inch little being, how much that hurts to see them lying there. Saying in your mind, "just move buddy, just flicker that little heart". Andrea still has to go through the suffering of a miscarriage or D&C. How can I not feel anguish for causing this?  To ask her to suffer this loss for me?  I couldn't love this girl more. She is amazing and I love her for her sacrifice. We are now going to wait and see what the docs decide to do and we are all going to grieve for a bit. Then, we will see what we all decide, as two families, what the next steps are. Thank you all for the immense love and support you have shown us through this journey. I hope it's not over, but I wanted you all to know how grateful we are for that support. I expected people to be so weirded out by this, to be hard on us, or make funny comments. But you have all been amazing. I'm so grateful to have such supportive people in my life and to have found Andrea. 

The Nerves

I have heard many times, "You get the baby and don't have to be pregnant!?" or, "You don't have to recover from the labour!?" or, "You aren't going to have to get fat!" (debatable, cause I like to eat a lot), or "You don't have to be the sick one", and many many more.  Now obviously these are jokes, and I laugh or come up with my own funny addition.  It has never bothered me because it's natural to emphasize all of the positives to having a surrogate.  I even remember thinking about celebrities that used a surrogate and thought "they are only doing that to save their body."  But as time has gone on, I can't escape the worries that come with being an intended parent, while your surrogate is pregnant.  

I will start out by saying that I couldn't trust Andrea any more than I do.  She is amazing, and takes care of our little lentil-sized baby nugget just as I would!  But there are natural worries that happen!  For instance, I said in my last post how Andrea started to bleed a little 2 weeks ago and I couldn't help the tears from starting.  As I reflected on why I became so emotional, I have come to some conclusions as to why I was so stressed out.  It had nothing to do with Andrea, but everything to do with me not being in control. 

I had my other two children on my own and I actually bled with both of them while pregnant.  My first a lot more than my second.  I almost lost my first at 12 weeks from bleeding and cramping, and as a result I had to go on bed rest for the next 3 months.  When they took me off of bed rest at 20 weeks, I went to one of my friends weddings, and the next morning I got another scare.  As I felt a little gush and the sure signs of labour, I panicked!  My panic caused me to stay motionless in bed for three hours till my husband woke up.  He rushed me to the hospital and they said that my panicked reaction of motionless anxiety was actually the best thing I did.  Somehow the leak plugged up, and they stopped the labor and put me promptly back on bedrest. Then at 32 weeks, I went into full blown labor and was hospitalized.  Every morning I would go in to labor, they would stop it and I repeated this for 2 weeks.  They then sent me home and said I was 4 cm dilated and they would see me in a few days to deliver the baby.  Well, I ended up being induced instead 7 weeks later.  It was a really scary 9 months for us.  

The reason I wanted to share this was because it relates to a persons state of mind in tricky pregnancy situations.  With my babies, it was my body.  I knew what was happening, how I felt, when to run to the hospital, when bleeding seemed too much, when I just didn't feel right. Being pregnant, you love your little pea so much, as soon as you see those two lines on a test.  But largely I was just guessing on what to do.  I was a rookie with each pregnancy, because each one is unique.  I've had to accept that with each pregnancy we only have limited  control over whether this baby will actually make it 9 months, regardless of who carries the baby. When its your body, you know what you feel, how you feel, and when it just doesn't feel right.  When its your surrogates body, you have to rely on the fact that she is doing the same thing and to allow her to trust her instincts.  

Although, lately as this has been going on, I have really learned that she loves this little pea too.  She has sacrificed many things in order to be a surrogate. She has to be on light rest for the first 12 weeks just to help her body stay pregnant.   All the long trips to doctors hours and hours away.  Not to mention all of the sacrifices she will be making for the next 9 months!!!  It's hard to fathom.  I trust this girl so much!  She knows what she is doing, she has been pregnant before, and she wants this as much as we do.  So I tell myself to calm down, relax, enjoy the moment, and be the most supportive intended parent I can be.  Sometimes I tell myself "wow, this is what my husband probably felt sometimes."  He is the parent, but there is nothing he could ever do to make the scary stuff not happen, or have any of the control over it.  So it is nice to be able to relate to him in this way, it just makes us closer.  

On to the good news!  I got a phone call from the clinic yesterday morning and we received the results from the blood work Andrea did on Thursday.  HCG 16,880!!  We still have a doubling time under two days, which is really high.  The clinic is absolutely thrilled and says this is a strong pregnancy.  I bet my husband would say in his best Obi-wan Kenobi voice "The pregnancy is strong with this one."  Now I just have to wait for Monday's ultrasound.  I am dying to see a picture of our Pea!!

That Wait Time!!

The days waiting to see if the IVF transfer worked were agony!  We were told by the clinic that Andrea needed to go get her blood taken 10 days post transfer to see what her HCG (human chorionic growth hormone) levels were.  Since I worked in the Chemistry department in a medical lab, I fully understood what levels I was looking for.  So if you get a blood HCG greater than 5, its considered a positive pregnancy test.  But 25 is the number they put out there as one they want to see as a minimum.  But in IVF they are really looking at doubling time, which means they are looking to see that your numbers are doubling in value every 24-72 hours.  If your numbers continue to at least double in this time, it looks like a healthy pregnancy.  If not, it could just be a chemical pregnancy.  Chemical pregnancy--"the fertilized egg does not implant properly in the uterus, resulting in an early miscarriage."  So as you can see, I know TOO much!!  I was panicking just a little, I was stressing maybe a lot, I was worried way more than a reasonable human being should, and I just couldn't stand the waiting!  I messaged Andrea and pressured her a little ( or a lot) to think about peeing on a stick.  I didn't want her to do anything she didn't want to, because I knew she was just as stressed as me about seeing a negative test and that a negative test didn't necessarily mean we weren't pregnant, just that we'd have to wait for the blood tests with the added pressure of just seeing a poor (but possibly inaccurate) result.  That would have added a lot of anxiety to the picture.  So, the next thing I knew I got this picture sent to me...

Now I know it is soooo faint, but it was POSITIVE!!!  I was so excited, but again, I think i was more freaked out by this.  What if the next one was still really faint, or what if it was then negative?  So she sent me the next day test first thing in the morning.

She only had a digital test available, but the yes+ still was so exciting.  I "might" have told her to go out and buy some more tests so that I could compare pink lines.  haha.  So a few hours later (once she returned from the store - haha she's such a good sport!) I get this picture

 It was definitely getting darker and it gave me so much relief.  Just so you all can understand the writing on the tests, the top one means: 4 days post 5 day transfer, and the second one: 5 days post 5 day transfer.  To clarify further, it means we tested on the fourth day after the transfer of a 5 day embryo.

Now just to make you all understand the crazy that happens to me when doing pregnancy tests (yes I did this with my other two kids as well) here is the next day test with day 4 and day 5 as well.  Oh and by the way, thank you Andrea for indulging my nuttiness!!! FYI these are the first pregnancy tests she's ever taken ... so you know this is all about me!  I just can't help myself!  Haha!!  Maybe it's because I worked in a urinalysis lab?  Have I acquired a urine obsession?  TMI?

So Day 4 - 1 test, Day 5 - 2 tests, and Day 6 - 3 tests.  They are all positive!!  Don't worry, we reduced to one test a day after this.  Super embarrassed, but, it just kills me not knowing!  Oh and the BFP means--Big Fat Positive.  Seriously this has been like learning a new language.  haha

Now on to side by side comparisons up to Day 7

I was actually starting to really believe this was happening!  I was starting to just relax and let myself be excited about a baby, that yes we could still very easily miscarry, but I was allowed to be excited. On Day 8, Andrea went for her first blood test.  

It was early to get the test, but because it was a long weekend we needed to do it on day 8 or have to wait all the way till day 11!  So of course I told her to go on day 8 then we just planned to get the second test on day 11 to make sure it had doubled.  We weren't able to get the results from the first test until day 11 so of course we were going crazy all weekend.  On Day 9, Andrea let me know that she woke up to a little blood.  She told me it was the actual day of when her period would start, so I didn't let myself panic too much.  I knew that there is something called implantation bleeding, which is caused by the embryo implanting and some lining shedding from that.  I also knew there was a chance for some bleeding after the transfer, so I really tried not to worry.  But a few minutes later, I looked at Dave and burst into tears.  I think I just needed a moment to allow fear, but then I quickly let that moment pass.  

Now more than ever I was excited to know the test results so I could see our beta HCG levels.  First thing that tuesday morning, day 11, I called the clinic wondering what our levels were from day 8.  I had the number 70 on my mind but really hoping to hear it was 100.  I will first show you guys the ranges of the HCG levels and their days post transfer (DPT):

So 8 days after transfer (8 DPT) our numbers came back at 141--so it was a high number!  

    

11 days after transfer (9 DPT) our numbers came back at 414-- definitely doubled and above average.  

The clinic said they were super happy with these numbers but Andrea needed to go back again on day 14 to keep making sure this number is going up consistently.  

14 Days after transfer (14 DPT) our numbers came back at 1952--Above average again.

                                                          I think she is getting sick of tests!!

We are all beyond thrilled!!  I am really allowing myself to believe this is happening, that a baby really is on the way.  Andrea is again going for bloodwork this coming Thursday, which will make it 20 days post transfer.  She will then have an ultrasound on Monday!!  That is going to be so cool, to see a little embryo in there, and I hope it looks healthy and good and stuck in there.  I won't be able to attend this first ultrasound (it really bums me out) as I am away for a couple weeks and just can't make it.  Andrea is going to ask the clinic if they can send me a copy of the ultrasound to see this baby, and she is also going to try to get a picture of the embryo pre-transfer.  I think that would be super neat to have for a memory book for the baby to see one day.  

Andrea is definitely feeling pregnant and is super excited to stop the progesterone medication in 5 weeks.  She says that it's not a fun part of this experience at all!  I'm hoping she has the easiest pregnancy ever, and I feel bad for her all of the time!  What a beautiful gift this amazing woman is offering our little family!  I can't say enough!  

I can't wait to keep updating you all!  I will do a quick update when we have beta results on Friday and then another post about the ultrasound.  Cant wait!!  Andrea said she is really just wanting to make sure there is only one baby in there and the ultrasound will confirm that for her.  I am not even thinking twins, there is only a 2-4% chance of the embryo splitting, so no way!  Just hoping for a healthy little baby.  Thanks all of you for your kind thoughts and wishes!  I will not keep you waiting so long next time!  The summer is too crazy!!!!

    

Vancouver Did Not Disappoint!

Well, this has been the most exciting weekend I have had in maybe forever?  WE MET!!  This has been something we have been looking forward to since the start of this crazy journey.  Dave and I flew over to Vancouver Thursday evening and picked up some sushi (as a last sushi dinner for 9 months treat) for Andrea.  I don't know who enjoyed the sushi more, me or her girls!  haha  We gobbled all of the sushi up till we all had great big food baby bellies.  It was awesome!  Seriously though, the minute we met, it was instant comfort.  Like we had been friends for a lifetime already.  We woke up the next morning, had a morning swim and then headed over to the clinic for transfer.  I had a flurry of emotions and so did Dave.  He said right before we left, can you just tell Andrea that she still has an out and that we would never be mad if she wanted to back out of the whole thing.  So as I was walking to the elevator with Andrea, I told her this, and she just laughed.  No hesitation, no fear, just absolute surety that she wanted to do this with us and for us.  Incredible gift, incredible woman!  We showed up to the clinic and in the waiting room we noticed the flowers surrounding the room.  Can anyone tell me if these are good luck fertility flowers? Cause they sure should be!!  They look ... anatomical. 

I also learned that I am terrible at the selfie!  I will not bore you with all of the mishaps, but the wrong angle and my face goes horribly wrong!  Yikes!!  We were laughing so hard, and some turned out so hilarious.  We then got brought back to put on our beautiful outfits for transfer and a nurse took pity on our again attempts at a selfie in the mirror and asked if we wanted her to take a picture for us. Nurses...they save you every time!!

At this point I was a ball of energy and excitement.  I had fears of course, but Andrea is so full of confidence and positivity, it is contagious.  I don't think the nurses and docs knew what to do with us because we were cracking jokes and laughing the whole time.  They came to check poor Andrea, and her bladder just wasn't filling up with water fast enough for it properly position the uterus for the transfer.  She kept telling them she was part camel, but they didn't believe her.  2L of torturous water drinking later (think water-boarding), a progesterone shot, and a very cold speculum (you'd think they'd warm those things up or something!), she was finally ready to go.  Then you just feel worse for her, cause her bladder was the size of a baby's head and they kept pushing on her belly.  Such a trooper, especially for someone who hates drinking water.

                                                                        Product placement

Doesn't even phase her.. Still drinking

Starting to suffer a little with the water

Speculum- coldest metal ever

Look at the size of that bladder.  Black hole of Death

The embryologist came in and talked to us about the embryo.  She said that they only had to thaw one, because it survived perfectly and looked fantastic.  (We have 5 day blastocysts)  So we still have 7 frozen embryos in there, just in case.  But Andrea says this is it, and we don't have to think about it for now ... she's got this.  Love her!  

I think this is our baby.  I might have snuck into the lab to get a look at it. haha

I had a strange reaction when the doc came in to talk about the embryo and said we were ready for transfer.  I felt oddly protective of it.  I asked for a picture, but the doc said we couldn't have it until we tested positive.  They didn't want us to get attached to an embryo unless that baby was going to later come home with us.  I understood that, but really wanted it for the blog.  Guess I will save that for the positive test post!  I know that might sound overly optimistic.  I am prepared for the worst, but I am also trying to keep only positive thoughts and trust that whatever needs to happen, will happen. 

 I do have to say that this was a really special thing for me.  I felt such love and such a peace while doing this.  I know how different and weird, and even wrong, surrogacy can seem to some people, but it feels so right for us and I especially knew it while doing the transfer.  Such an incredible experience to watch the whole process happen and be a part of such a miracle of science!!  I have a video of the whole transfer happening, but it didn't come out as clear on my phone as it was in person so I decided not to upload it.  

After the transfer Andrea bee-lined it to the bathroom, carefully of course, I went back to the change room and had a little cry.  This is really happening, we may have a baby on the way, and the feelings of gratitude spilled over.  They gave some instructions on activity levels for Andrea; no lifting heavy objects,  no bouncing activities, just light activity until a positive test in 10 days.  Then she should keep her activity level still fairly light until 12 weeks pregnant.  

The next 24 hours we just had some fun.  We ate ALOT!!  We went to a movie that evening and then the next morning we went to the Vancouver Aquarium.  We had such a fun weekend and I am more sure now than ever that we made the right decision in Andrea.  It was tough saying goodbye to that family, but we are making plans to see each other again before the summer is up.  

We are now on the long wait!  10 days, Aug 2, feels soooo far away.  If I am missing some information that anyone is interested in, please don't hesitate to ask in the comments section!  Thanks for all of your support and well wishes, we so appreciate it!

Is it time yet??

So guess what ladies and gents (if there really are any gents reading this), it looks like we are actually close.  I called the fertility clinic today to pay a bill and found out that they were waiting for me to call them.  They weren't sure I was going ahead with this?!?!  Pull my hair out and scream!!!!!  For freaking sakes if I just shipped my most precious commodity, my 8 children, you would think I am going ahead with things.  OR you would think that you might want to hold my hand through this process so that I would know that you are waiting for my go ahead.  Someone please tell me what I am supposed to do, I don't read minds.  I just have to say though, I did feel like this picture a little bit.  Sending my children through the mail system--

Maybe I haven't been the best patient, my mind has been so preoccupied!  I just moved from CT to AB, since my hubby finished his residency, and that was one huge undertaking!  I am so proud of him, but I never want to move across the country and into another country again!  That was so much work, so much stress, and agonizing.  I miss those dern 'mericans already!!!  But we made the move and now I can focus on making a baby!  WAHOO!!  

Andrea and I both happened to call the clinic today, about 5 minutes apart, and found out today that we are a go!!!  (We are so in sync)  She ran to a pharmacy and picked up her estrogen patches, 

slapped one on her belly

 and then she heads to Vancouver on Thursday to do an ultrasound.  Then two weeks later she will head there again for a lining check to make sure she is ready to transfer the baby and hopefully we will be transferring that weekend.  So we are looking at around the 23rd?  Cannot believe it!!  I am already that crazy mom and checked out what the due date would be--with a day 5 embryo and transfer being on the 23rd, we will have a baby around April 9th.  What a perfect month to have a baby!  We were hoping a few months earlier, but nothing beats a beautiful baby in spring.  Our daughter was born on March 21 and my bday is April 16, so maybe I will get to share my birthday with another miracle baby!  I get so teary thinking about it.

So we need everyone to think fluffy thoughts for the next two weeks for Andrea's lining.  I know, never thought I would ask people to do this, but we will take all the luck we can get!  The docs said we have really good chances of success first round, but you just never know.  I will be on pins and needles the whole time, but I am also living in reality.  I just choose to only think of success right now and I will face whatever comes.  

Oh, did I tell you that I will finally get to meet Andrea in person for transfer?!  I can't wait to meet her!!!  Talking to her on the phone is so awesome, Facebook is great, but in person cannot be beat.  I can't thank Surrogacy in Canada Online more for introducing us to Andrea!  There are so many amazing women who belong to this organization who are making families for so many and making dreams come true.  We have been given such a gift from andrea, she is going through so much just for us, we love this girl!