It's so hard

It has been an absolutely crazy couple of months!  We have been back in Canada for almost 3 months, the kids have started their new school, Dave has started his new job, and we are moving into our new home next week. I am sure my in-laws are going to be very happy to have their space back, but they have been so awesome about having the four of us and the dog living in their place. 

Andrea is still pregnant!!  She hit the 11 week mark on Sunday and is officially off of the progesterone she was taking. She is pretty happy about that!  She has been so so sick with this baby and it makes me feel terrible.  With her girls, she never experienced morning sickness or really many negative effects of pregnancy but this baby is not letting her get any food down or letting her sleep. Either this baby is a boy, or my embryos make people feel yucky!  I was very sick with our Son, but not really sick with our daughter. So I guess we will have to wait and see what the gender is to help with my theories. Haha. I am currently writing this on a plane heading to BC. I am meeting up with Andrea for our almost 12 week ultrasound. I cannot wait!!!  I am so excited to see her and to see this little bean. I can't wait to get a picture and to make sure the baby looks happy and growing normally. I should also be getting an official due date. The due date calculator online has an ivf section with age of embryo, so April 10 should be fairly accurate. I decided to bring with me some preggie pops for Andrea to see if that will help with her all day sickness, a whole case just to be safe. 

It's with the deepest of sadness to tell you all that the ultrasound wasn't good news. It looks like we lost the baby last week. The measurements came back at 10 weeks. The moment I walked into that ultrasound and the tech put the baby on the screen, my heart sank. I knew the baby was gone. She kept saying, well maybe I just can't see the heartbeat. But, I knew. My baby wasn't moving. Just laying there asleep. I knew and my heart ached. For me and for Andrea. Oh how I wish I could take that moment of pain away from her. We all feel defeated and devastated. I am sure that I will feel better with time, but my heart is heavy. I am so glad I was there. I am so glad I decided to fly out to see for myself and to be there to hug Andrea. We needed each other, we needed those few hours after to be together and cry together. It's amazing how much you can love a 1 1/2 inch little being, how much that hurts to see them lying there. Saying in your mind, "just move buddy, just flicker that little heart". Andrea still has to go through the suffering of a miscarriage or D&C. How can I not feel anguish for causing this?  To ask her to suffer this loss for me?  I couldn't love this girl more. She is amazing and I love her for her sacrifice. We are now going to wait and see what the docs decide to do and we are all going to grieve for a bit. Then, we will see what we all decide, as two families, what the next steps are. Thank you all for the immense love and support you have shown us through this journey. I hope it's not over, but I wanted you all to know how grateful we are for that support. I expected people to be so weirded out by this, to be hard on us, or make funny comments. But you have all been amazing. I'm so grateful to have such supportive people in my life and to have found Andrea.