Ah, Hells Bells

This is a crazy thing, or a different thing, or an amazing thing depending on what you believe on this topic, but we have decided to have another baby!!  There is only one small thing that is holding us back.  I had a hysterectomy 5 years ago.  So, my oven is closed!  We have tried and tried to forget about more kids, I have told myself over and over that I don't want anymore, that our family is perfect the way it is but we have failed to make these thoughts stick  and have decided we definitely do want another kidlet!!  I have realized that these old thoughts were just an attempt to make me feel at ease with our situation and not how I have ever actually felt.  The reason I feel a need to tell everyone before we even have a baby in our sights is because it is a path that I have no experience in, nor have I met or heard of anyone in our circle of friends that have used this route.  Dave and I have decided to use a surrogate to have another child.  It was a decision that took a while to come to, but we really feel this is the way that is best for us.  If you are at all interested in this story, follow along and hopefully in the end, we will be able to show some pictures of a baby/babies and our amazing surrogate who brought them to us.

In Canada there are strict laws that you have to abide by to be a surrogate and to use a surrogate.  They cannot be paid for their services, but they receive compensation for their accrued costs while carrying your child.  Its confusing, but we have figured all that out.  Let me know if you have any questions, cause I know it is complicated!  We are super open about talking about it, so don't feel like you can't ask!!   We will be doing IVF starting at the end of this month to see if we can get some embryos on ice ready for when a surrogate picks us.  I am super nervous about all that this entails as I have no idea the state of my body since the hysterectomy.  Do I even have any eggs left, and if I do, are they healthy??  I am not that old, but I don't have a great history of this as my biggest problem was my PCOS.  So that will be interesting to know!!  I have my first fertility appointment on January 28th, so I am excited and nervous all at the same time because this will be the day of my ultrasound and blood work to check the status of things. 

We have joined a surrogacy agency to find a surrogate and it has not been easy!!  You email possible surrogates that the agency sends you to let them know about yourself and send them a link to your profile on the website and then cross your fingers that they will be interested enough in you to start talking to you.  Then its like dating.  You email back and forth trying to get to know each other, see if your expectations of surrogacy match, if your personalities match so that you will trust each other, and then you have to see if they like you enough to pick you.  I never experienced online dating, but I don't know if I ever would have the heart to do it.  Your self esteem is really tested and you are hoping hoping and hoping that they will like you.  Just through an email or skype, how do you really show someone who you are in an email?  Its a lot of pressure!!  This is a person that is so generous to offer their body to carry your, a strangers, baby and so it is totally obvious they would want to like the family they are helping, but you can start feeling yourself getting desperate!  There is also the feeling, do you email one surrogate at a time, so that you are giving a real chance to someone to pick you and they don't feel like you are just like I said--desperate???  Or do you not put all your eggs in one.... basket? or uterus?  Pun intended.  We also have one big thing against us.  We have kids already!!  There are these couples who have no children and then you come on the website with a beautiful family and want to take away one of the few surrogates available.  I know how badly I want another child, how long I have wanted another child, but I feel selfish!  We had our first disappointment recently after talking to a surrogate for a few weeks.  She seemed so perfect, she was so nice, she was fun to talk to, I knew we could be friends, and I wanted to be her friend.  I got a little attached!  There were some hurdles, she lived far away from us, so we wouldn't be able to be at many of the doctors appointments, and could we be okay with that?  All of us?  That's the tough stuff!  When planning for a baby in the "normal" ways, you don't include a third party in those plans.  With surrogacy, you are having to plan with another family.  How does this work for you guys?  Is your family happy with this?  Do you want to take on a pregnancy that the person you are doing this for wont be there to physically support you all of the time?  Are our personalities compatible enough that we will be able to stand each other for the 9 months of stress it involves?  In the end, it was the distance and the fact that we already had children that made her decide we weren't the family she would choose to help.  I totally get it!  I thought I was mentally prepared for it.  I sensed it was coming.  I am devastated.   Ultimately I am worried this is how the whole experience will go.  Exhilarating highs and devastating lows.  Hopefully more highs than lows.  I felt a need to write, to share my experiences in this as I think it will be cathartic.  My plans are to move forward with hope, optimism, and faith and hopefully never entertain the thought of quitting.    Plus, I promised Dave we could pretend we are actually trying, so at least one of us is having a great time!!!  hahahahaha  MEN!!!