The Nerves

I have heard many times, "You get the baby and don't have to be pregnant!?" or, "You don't have to recover from the labour!?" or, "You aren't going to have to get fat!" (debatable, cause I like to eat a lot), or "You don't have to be the sick one", and many many more.  Now obviously these are jokes, and I laugh or come up with my own funny addition.  It has never bothered me because it's natural to emphasize all of the positives to having a surrogate.  I even remember thinking about celebrities that used a surrogate and thought "they are only doing that to save their body."  But as time has gone on, I can't escape the worries that come with being an intended parent, while your surrogate is pregnant.  

I will start out by saying that I couldn't trust Andrea any more than I do.  She is amazing, and takes care of our little lentil-sized baby nugget just as I would!  But there are natural worries that happen!  For instance, I said in my last post how Andrea started to bleed a little 2 weeks ago and I couldn't help the tears from starting.  As I reflected on why I became so emotional, I have come to some conclusions as to why I was so stressed out.  It had nothing to do with Andrea, but everything to do with me not being in control. 

I had my other two children on my own and I actually bled with both of them while pregnant.  My first a lot more than my second.  I almost lost my first at 12 weeks from bleeding and cramping, and as a result I had to go on bed rest for the next 3 months.  When they took me off of bed rest at 20 weeks, I went to one of my friends weddings, and the next morning I got another scare.  As I felt a little gush and the sure signs of labour, I panicked!  My panic caused me to stay motionless in bed for three hours till my husband woke up.  He rushed me to the hospital and they said that my panicked reaction of motionless anxiety was actually the best thing I did.  Somehow the leak plugged up, and they stopped the labor and put me promptly back on bedrest. Then at 32 weeks, I went into full blown labor and was hospitalized.  Every morning I would go in to labor, they would stop it and I repeated this for 2 weeks.  They then sent me home and said I was 4 cm dilated and they would see me in a few days to deliver the baby.  Well, I ended up being induced instead 7 weeks later.  It was a really scary 9 months for us.  

The reason I wanted to share this was because it relates to a persons state of mind in tricky pregnancy situations.  With my babies, it was my body.  I knew what was happening, how I felt, when to run to the hospital, when bleeding seemed too much, when I just didn't feel right. Being pregnant, you love your little pea so much, as soon as you see those two lines on a test.  But largely I was just guessing on what to do.  I was a rookie with each pregnancy, because each one is unique.  I've had to accept that with each pregnancy we only have limited  control over whether this baby will actually make it 9 months, regardless of who carries the baby. When its your body, you know what you feel, how you feel, and when it just doesn't feel right.  When its your surrogates body, you have to rely on the fact that she is doing the same thing and to allow her to trust her instincts.  

Although, lately as this has been going on, I have really learned that she loves this little pea too.  She has sacrificed many things in order to be a surrogate. She has to be on light rest for the first 12 weeks just to help her body stay pregnant.   All the long trips to doctors hours and hours away.  Not to mention all of the sacrifices she will be making for the next 9 months!!!  It's hard to fathom.  I trust this girl so much!  She knows what she is doing, she has been pregnant before, and she wants this as much as we do.  So I tell myself to calm down, relax, enjoy the moment, and be the most supportive intended parent I can be.  Sometimes I tell myself "wow, this is what my husband probably felt sometimes."  He is the parent, but there is nothing he could ever do to make the scary stuff not happen, or have any of the control over it.  So it is nice to be able to relate to him in this way, it just makes us closer.  

On to the good news!  I got a phone call from the clinic yesterday morning and we received the results from the blood work Andrea did on Thursday.  HCG 16,880!!  We still have a doubling time under two days, which is really high.  The clinic is absolutely thrilled and says this is a strong pregnancy.  I bet my husband would say in his best Obi-wan Kenobi voice "The pregnancy is strong with this one."  Now I just have to wait for Monday's ultrasound.  I am dying to see a picture of our Pea!!

That Wait Time!!

The days waiting to see if the IVF transfer worked were agony!  We were told by the clinic that Andrea needed to go get her blood taken 10 days post transfer to see what her HCG (human chorionic growth hormone) levels were.  Since I worked in the Chemistry department in a medical lab, I fully understood what levels I was looking for.  So if you get a blood HCG greater than 5, its considered a positive pregnancy test.  But 25 is the number they put out there as one they want to see as a minimum.  But in IVF they are really looking at doubling time, which means they are looking to see that your numbers are doubling in value every 24-72 hours.  If your numbers continue to at least double in this time, it looks like a healthy pregnancy.  If not, it could just be a chemical pregnancy.  Chemical pregnancy--"the fertilized egg does not implant properly in the uterus, resulting in an early miscarriage."  So as you can see, I know TOO much!!  I was panicking just a little, I was stressing maybe a lot, I was worried way more than a reasonable human being should, and I just couldn't stand the waiting!  I messaged Andrea and pressured her a little ( or a lot) to think about peeing on a stick.  I didn't want her to do anything she didn't want to, because I knew she was just as stressed as me about seeing a negative test and that a negative test didn't necessarily mean we weren't pregnant, just that we'd have to wait for the blood tests with the added pressure of just seeing a poor (but possibly inaccurate) result.  That would have added a lot of anxiety to the picture.  So, the next thing I knew I got this picture sent to me...

Now I know it is soooo faint, but it was POSITIVE!!!  I was so excited, but again, I think i was more freaked out by this.  What if the next one was still really faint, or what if it was then negative?  So she sent me the next day test first thing in the morning.

She only had a digital test available, but the yes+ still was so exciting.  I "might" have told her to go out and buy some more tests so that I could compare pink lines.  haha.  So a few hours later (once she returned from the store - haha she's such a good sport!) I get this picture

 It was definitely getting darker and it gave me so much relief.  Just so you all can understand the writing on the tests, the top one means: 4 days post 5 day transfer, and the second one: 5 days post 5 day transfer.  To clarify further, it means we tested on the fourth day after the transfer of a 5 day embryo.

Now just to make you all understand the crazy that happens to me when doing pregnancy tests (yes I did this with my other two kids as well) here is the next day test with day 4 and day 5 as well.  Oh and by the way, thank you Andrea for indulging my nuttiness!!! FYI these are the first pregnancy tests she's ever taken ... so you know this is all about me!  I just can't help myself!  Haha!!  Maybe it's because I worked in a urinalysis lab?  Have I acquired a urine obsession?  TMI?

So Day 4 - 1 test, Day 5 - 2 tests, and Day 6 - 3 tests.  They are all positive!!  Don't worry, we reduced to one test a day after this.  Super embarrassed, but, it just kills me not knowing!  Oh and the BFP means--Big Fat Positive.  Seriously this has been like learning a new language.  haha

Now on to side by side comparisons up to Day 7

I was actually starting to really believe this was happening!  I was starting to just relax and let myself be excited about a baby, that yes we could still very easily miscarry, but I was allowed to be excited. On Day 8, Andrea went for her first blood test.  

It was early to get the test, but because it was a long weekend we needed to do it on day 8 or have to wait all the way till day 11!  So of course I told her to go on day 8 then we just planned to get the second test on day 11 to make sure it had doubled.  We weren't able to get the results from the first test until day 11 so of course we were going crazy all weekend.  On Day 9, Andrea let me know that she woke up to a little blood.  She told me it was the actual day of when her period would start, so I didn't let myself panic too much.  I knew that there is something called implantation bleeding, which is caused by the embryo implanting and some lining shedding from that.  I also knew there was a chance for some bleeding after the transfer, so I really tried not to worry.  But a few minutes later, I looked at Dave and burst into tears.  I think I just needed a moment to allow fear, but then I quickly let that moment pass.  

Now more than ever I was excited to know the test results so I could see our beta HCG levels.  First thing that tuesday morning, day 11, I called the clinic wondering what our levels were from day 8.  I had the number 70 on my mind but really hoping to hear it was 100.  I will first show you guys the ranges of the HCG levels and their days post transfer (DPT):

So 8 days after transfer (8 DPT) our numbers came back at 141--so it was a high number!  

    

11 days after transfer (9 DPT) our numbers came back at 414-- definitely doubled and above average.  

The clinic said they were super happy with these numbers but Andrea needed to go back again on day 14 to keep making sure this number is going up consistently.  

14 Days after transfer (14 DPT) our numbers came back at 1952--Above average again.

                                                          I think she is getting sick of tests!!

We are all beyond thrilled!!  I am really allowing myself to believe this is happening, that a baby really is on the way.  Andrea is again going for bloodwork this coming Thursday, which will make it 20 days post transfer.  She will then have an ultrasound on Monday!!  That is going to be so cool, to see a little embryo in there, and I hope it looks healthy and good and stuck in there.  I won't be able to attend this first ultrasound (it really bums me out) as I am away for a couple weeks and just can't make it.  Andrea is going to ask the clinic if they can send me a copy of the ultrasound to see this baby, and she is also going to try to get a picture of the embryo pre-transfer.  I think that would be super neat to have for a memory book for the baby to see one day.  

Andrea is definitely feeling pregnant and is super excited to stop the progesterone medication in 5 weeks.  She says that it's not a fun part of this experience at all!  I'm hoping she has the easiest pregnancy ever, and I feel bad for her all of the time!  What a beautiful gift this amazing woman is offering our little family!  I can't say enough!  

I can't wait to keep updating you all!  I will do a quick update when we have beta results on Friday and then another post about the ultrasound.  Cant wait!!  Andrea said she is really just wanting to make sure there is only one baby in there and the ultrasound will confirm that for her.  I am not even thinking twins, there is only a 2-4% chance of the embryo splitting, so no way!  Just hoping for a healthy little baby.  Thanks all of you for your kind thoughts and wishes!  I will not keep you waiting so long next time!  The summer is too crazy!!!!

    

Vancouver Did Not Disappoint!

Well, this has been the most exciting weekend I have had in maybe forever?  WE MET!!  This has been something we have been looking forward to since the start of this crazy journey.  Dave and I flew over to Vancouver Thursday evening and picked up some sushi (as a last sushi dinner for 9 months treat) for Andrea.  I don't know who enjoyed the sushi more, me or her girls!  haha  We gobbled all of the sushi up till we all had great big food baby bellies.  It was awesome!  Seriously though, the minute we met, it was instant comfort.  Like we had been friends for a lifetime already.  We woke up the next morning, had a morning swim and then headed over to the clinic for transfer.  I had a flurry of emotions and so did Dave.  He said right before we left, can you just tell Andrea that she still has an out and that we would never be mad if she wanted to back out of the whole thing.  So as I was walking to the elevator with Andrea, I told her this, and she just laughed.  No hesitation, no fear, just absolute surety that she wanted to do this with us and for us.  Incredible gift, incredible woman!  We showed up to the clinic and in the waiting room we noticed the flowers surrounding the room.  Can anyone tell me if these are good luck fertility flowers? Cause they sure should be!!  They look ... anatomical. 

I also learned that I am terrible at the selfie!  I will not bore you with all of the mishaps, but the wrong angle and my face goes horribly wrong!  Yikes!!  We were laughing so hard, and some turned out so hilarious.  We then got brought back to put on our beautiful outfits for transfer and a nurse took pity on our again attempts at a selfie in the mirror and asked if we wanted her to take a picture for us. Nurses...they save you every time!!

At this point I was a ball of energy and excitement.  I had fears of course, but Andrea is so full of confidence and positivity, it is contagious.  I don't think the nurses and docs knew what to do with us because we were cracking jokes and laughing the whole time.  They came to check poor Andrea, and her bladder just wasn't filling up with water fast enough for it properly position the uterus for the transfer.  She kept telling them she was part camel, but they didn't believe her.  2L of torturous water drinking later (think water-boarding), a progesterone shot, and a very cold speculum (you'd think they'd warm those things up or something!), she was finally ready to go.  Then you just feel worse for her, cause her bladder was the size of a baby's head and they kept pushing on her belly.  Such a trooper, especially for someone who hates drinking water.

                                                                        Product placement

Doesn't even phase her.. Still drinking

Starting to suffer a little with the water

Speculum- coldest metal ever

Look at the size of that bladder.  Black hole of Death

The embryologist came in and talked to us about the embryo.  She said that they only had to thaw one, because it survived perfectly and looked fantastic.  (We have 5 day blastocysts)  So we still have 7 frozen embryos in there, just in case.  But Andrea says this is it, and we don't have to think about it for now ... she's got this.  Love her!  

I think this is our baby.  I might have snuck into the lab to get a look at it. haha

I had a strange reaction when the doc came in to talk about the embryo and said we were ready for transfer.  I felt oddly protective of it.  I asked for a picture, but the doc said we couldn't have it until we tested positive.  They didn't want us to get attached to an embryo unless that baby was going to later come home with us.  I understood that, but really wanted it for the blog.  Guess I will save that for the positive test post!  I know that might sound overly optimistic.  I am prepared for the worst, but I am also trying to keep only positive thoughts and trust that whatever needs to happen, will happen. 

 I do have to say that this was a really special thing for me.  I felt such love and such a peace while doing this.  I know how different and weird, and even wrong, surrogacy can seem to some people, but it feels so right for us and I especially knew it while doing the transfer.  Such an incredible experience to watch the whole process happen and be a part of such a miracle of science!!  I have a video of the whole transfer happening, but it didn't come out as clear on my phone as it was in person so I decided not to upload it.  

After the transfer Andrea bee-lined it to the bathroom, carefully of course, I went back to the change room and had a little cry.  This is really happening, we may have a baby on the way, and the feelings of gratitude spilled over.  They gave some instructions on activity levels for Andrea; no lifting heavy objects,  no bouncing activities, just light activity until a positive test in 10 days.  Then she should keep her activity level still fairly light until 12 weeks pregnant.  

The next 24 hours we just had some fun.  We ate ALOT!!  We went to a movie that evening and then the next morning we went to the Vancouver Aquarium.  We had such a fun weekend and I am more sure now than ever that we made the right decision in Andrea.  It was tough saying goodbye to that family, but we are making plans to see each other again before the summer is up.  

We are now on the long wait!  10 days, Aug 2, feels soooo far away.  If I am missing some information that anyone is interested in, please don't hesitate to ask in the comments section!  Thanks for all of your support and well wishes, we so appreciate it!

Is it time yet??

So guess what ladies and gents (if there really are any gents reading this), it looks like we are actually close.  I called the fertility clinic today to pay a bill and found out that they were waiting for me to call them.  They weren't sure I was going ahead with this?!?!  Pull my hair out and scream!!!!!  For freaking sakes if I just shipped my most precious commodity, my 8 children, you would think I am going ahead with things.  OR you would think that you might want to hold my hand through this process so that I would know that you are waiting for my go ahead.  Someone please tell me what I am supposed to do, I don't read minds.  I just have to say though, I did feel like this picture a little bit.  Sending my children through the mail system--

Maybe I haven't been the best patient, my mind has been so preoccupied!  I just moved from CT to AB, since my hubby finished his residency, and that was one huge undertaking!  I am so proud of him, but I never want to move across the country and into another country again!  That was so much work, so much stress, and agonizing.  I miss those dern 'mericans already!!!  But we made the move and now I can focus on making a baby!  WAHOO!!  

Andrea and I both happened to call the clinic today, about 5 minutes apart, and found out today that we are a go!!!  (We are so in sync)  She ran to a pharmacy and picked up her estrogen patches, 

slapped one on her belly

 and then she heads to Vancouver on Thursday to do an ultrasound.  Then two weeks later she will head there again for a lining check to make sure she is ready to transfer the baby and hopefully we will be transferring that weekend.  So we are looking at around the 23rd?  Cannot believe it!!  I am already that crazy mom and checked out what the due date would be--with a day 5 embryo and transfer being on the 23rd, we will have a baby around April 9th.  What a perfect month to have a baby!  We were hoping a few months earlier, but nothing beats a beautiful baby in spring.  Our daughter was born on March 21 and my bday is April 16, so maybe I will get to share my birthday with another miracle baby!  I get so teary thinking about it.

So we need everyone to think fluffy thoughts for the next two weeks for Andrea's lining.  I know, never thought I would ask people to do this, but we will take all the luck we can get!  The docs said we have really good chances of success first round, but you just never know.  I will be on pins and needles the whole time, but I am also living in reality.  I just choose to only think of success right now and I will face whatever comes.  

Oh, did I tell you that I will finally get to meet Andrea in person for transfer?!  I can't wait to meet her!!!  Talking to her on the phone is so awesome, Facebook is great, but in person cannot be beat.  I can't thank Surrogacy in Canada Online more for introducing us to Andrea!  There are so many amazing women who belong to this organization who are making families for so many and making dreams come true.  We have been given such a gift from andrea, she is going through so much just for us, we love this girl!

We have frozen embryos!!

I finally got the phone call I've been waiting for all week!  How many of those 13 fertilized eggs became Day 5 embryos?  We got 8!!  I seriously can't believe it!  We are so happy and are hoping that this will be enough. . Now, we are just finishing up paperwork to have them shipped off to Vancouver where Andrea is going to be for the transfer.  I also have to have a psychological evaluation done which is just to make sure you understand all that you are agreeing to do and that I am sound mentally. Thankfully we will be doing that after the drugs!  Haha. Anyway, thought I would do a quick update.

I thought this was interesting on timing of the fertilized egg

This is what a day 5 blastocyst looks like

Goodbye Needles!

I apologize, this will be a long post!

I swore I was going to write more during the whole hormone process, but I had company stay with us during that time, and then I got so exhausted!  I just couldn't find the motivation to write.  So the plan was to take my Follistim every night, starting the tuesday, and see the doc for bloodwork on Friday.  Well, I got a phone call Friday afternoon saying my Estrogen shot up so high that I needed to start my Ganirelix immediately (it tells your body not to ovulate) and come back in the morning for an ultrasound and another blood test.  I came in and they saw about 11 follicles total which surprised them because my blood work kind of told them that I had a massive amount of follicles and my first ultrasound showed about 20.  They were happy though and said to go home, take my ganirelix every morning and the Follistim every night.  I got a phone call that night with a nurse saying to take a second dose of Ganirelix that night as well as the Follistim because my estrogen shot up again and my LH hormone was also dangerously high.  I can not even imagine the complexity of this whole process, let alone that I am not their only patient!  There was usually about 20 women getting their blood drawn at the same time as me.  

I did not notice any side effects from the Follistim at this point, but when I started the Ganirelix, I became quite tired and as the days went on,I also started noticing I was getting quite bloated, and  I started to cry a lot.  haha  Everything seemed a little bigger deal than it was.  So, yes, I think there was some hormone stuff going on with the second drug.  

I went back in on monday morning for another blood test and my trusty ultrasound.  You get so used to them, that it is almost like a friend coming for a visit.  I don't know if this is just me, but as my ovaries got bigger, the discomfort of the ultrasounds lessened.  Maybe because they didn't have to dig around so much with those now baseballs in there??  Yikes.  So this is when the doctor discussions began. They started to argue whether I needed to be triggered that day!  (Use a drug, sometimes HCG but in my case Lupron, to trigger ovulation)  It was only day 7 and they never trigger before day 8.  I had about 7 follicles that were over 20mm and about 5 that were above 16mm.  When a follicle is getting close to maturity, they want to see sizes around 16mm.  So this doctor wanted me to get going with the third drug.  My doctor came in and said no, but that I would definitely take the trigger drug the next evening.  Last Follistim injection this night and last Ganirelix in the morning.

Tuesday morning, woke up again bright and early to head over to the clinic for my final blood test and then the nurse said I needed to go pick up my Lupron at the pharmacy.  I had a dose of HCG to take but it looked like I was a sure candidate for *Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) and Lupron has been known to reduce this chance.

*Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome may occur after using injectable hormone medications during in vitro fertilization (IVF), a treatment for infertility. Injectable fertility medications stimulate the development of eggs in the ovaries, but it can be difficult to tell exactly how much medication you might need.

Too much of the hormone in your system can lead to ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS), where your ovaries become swollen and painful. A small number of women may develop severe OHSS, which can cause rapid weight gain, abdominal pain, vomiting and shortness of breath.

I was so excited to be taking my last injection that night!  I have gained such a respect for those that need to give themselves injections for life.  It is not just that it is a tad painful, but you just want to be normal again and not have to inject yourself with drugs anymore.  Anyway, I got pretty bloated the next day, and uncomfortable, but really looking forward to thursday morning to find out if any eggs were good in there.  

I would not normally show my belly, but come on!  Jordyn kept touching it and saying, "theres a baby in there".  Sure looked like it, it was so funny.

So I woke up the next day, ate nothing and headed to the clinic with Dave.  They prepped me, put on a nice cap on my head, and then walked me to the surgery suite.  I didn't really like laying on a half bed and being conscious of putting my legs in full stirrups, but what a treat for those nurses.  Full view!!  I woke up with a little bit of pain and they gave me something for that and then came in to tell me that there were 21 eggs retrieved.  I was so proud that my body actually cooperated and that it didn't look like we would need to do this again.  At least for now. 

Since Thursday, I have been a little sore in the ovaries, but no sign of OHSS, which I was so nervous about. My hormonal side seems to be settling down a bit, mothers day doesn't count cause I always cry on mothers day.  The clinic called me on Friday to say that there were 15 mature eggs and were able to fertilize 13 of them.  We are now crossing our fingers  that at least a few will have matured and able to be frozen for transfer to BC.  We should find out by tuesday the final results.  

The lovely Andrea had her screening done in Vancouver on the same day as my retrieval.  She got to experience:

The weenie wand

The lovely paper gown:

And the extra special saline injection---OUCH!

She also had her psychological screening done the evening before, but what a busy couple days.  Paired with driving 12 hours!  She is a trooper and I love her for it!!

The next post will likely be us meeting for the first time and transfer?? If I remember, I will also do a quick post on the final embryo count. Can not believe that it is all really happening and I will absolutely lose it once I meet Andrea in person.  Facebook and the phone is not enough, I am dying to give her a hug.  

Day 1--Follistim.

Well, today was the day!  I went in this morning at 7:00 to have my baseline done. I walked in to the clinic and it was full of women waiting for their blood to be taken. So I opted to get the ultrasound done first. So here is our little friend again. --even ribbed for my pleasure. Sorry mom. Haha. 

I got a good look at my ovaries, and they looked like chocolate chip cookies, which I guess is what they are looking for. I had 10 follicles on each ovary which pleased the doctor, so I did my job. They said they like to see 3-10 on each side, so she said I was high normal. Very exciting news. Plus, it looked like I was not ovulating any time soon, so good timing.

Next, I saw the nurse who explained my drugs and what to take and in what doses, and also when to come back for more blood work and ultrasounds. They gave me a nice spreadsheet so that I wouldn't forget, plus I even got her cell phone number in case of any questions. They have been so nice!!  I am sure they deal with a lot of crazy emotional women in there, so a cell phone number seems a little dangerous to me. But I took the number and ran. Haha.

I got in line for my blood work and was told if that came back that my hormones were out of whack, then they would call me to cancel the drugs. So, no news meant good news. I kept my phone near me all day thinking, there is no way I am actually starting this today. I was wrong!!  Today is definitely the day. So exciting and scary at the same time.

Here is my instructional video of my first injection. This injection is easy!!  The intramuscular ones, I can't imagine. It just burns a little afterwards. I will keep you guys updated most days I think, just so you can see if I go crazy or not. I will also show pics of the bloating. That would interest me anyway. I'm so excited!  And so happy!  Have I said how much I love my surrogate?  Cause I do!!!  This is really happening Andrea!  You are amazing!!